Alarmed and Dangerous (Dangerously Lazy)

Aaargh. I hate the fact that I'm inconsistent. It translates into me being unreliable, and I hate to think that I cause my friends and family pause before they ask me to contribute to something.

Take, for instance, this blog. Though I post more regularly to it than any of my friends (listed on the right) do to their blogs, I am - by FAR - the least reliable person in real life than any of them. And, "more regular" or not, I still cannot seem to post everyday for more than a few days.

This is the same issue I have with my far-less-than-daily devotions. I walk with G-d everyday - I just end up walking with blinders on and ear plugs in most days. I deliberately choose the snooze button over pouring into prayer and study. Why? WHY?!!!!!

I use the snooze button everywhere. I wait until the last possible moment to take action, then work feverishly to accomplish something. Procrastination should be my middle name, not Faith.

The problem is either over-committing or not committing at all. Good Lord, I suppose I can be thankful I'm not married. I'd make a horrible wife.

25 Things I Love

Just to mix things up a bit, here's a list of 25 things I love. Oh, and I should also note these are in no particular order. Simply as they come to mind.

1. Jiffy, my bunny. I love his little nudges, feeling his whiskers on the back of my legs, watching him was his face. Too cute!

2. Scrapbook paper. I don't scrapbook, but I use the paper for other crafts. I love the colors and textures and patterns.

3. The smell of books, especially a whole room of them.

4. Getting postcards from friends - bonus when they come in the mail. (Thanks, Tricia & Adam!)

5. Bats swooping low in the summer sky at dusk.

6. My little sister's dimple.

7. A new notebook/journal book, though I never can seem to fill them up!

8. Phyllis McGinley's poetry.

9. Making other people laugh, even if they're groaning at the same time because it really was a corny pun.

10. Finishing a project and knowing I kicked butt on it.

11. Coming up with new ideas for projects.

12. Maps.

13. Home decor magazines that focus on using antiques/used items in a new way. (Still waiting for the next issue of Junk Market Style.)

14. Learning a new computer shortcut that's going to save me a lot of time.

15. Being comfortably quiet with friends. (Yes, I can be quiet for loooong stretches of time.)

16. Finding out something new about my family "heritage".

17. Antiquing, especially when done with a friend or family member.

18. Whimsical things.

19. Traveling.

20. Knowing I will always be friends with certain people. You know who you are.

21. Sharing something I just learned with someone else.

22. Frozen custard.

23. Getting addicted to a new song/album.

24. Finding or making the perfect gift.

25. Knowing something I said/did/wrote/whatever helped someone else.

What Is My Story?

Reaching into the old journal again...

4.8.2007

I've spent more time in my blog lately, or posting to myspace, or emails - that's where most of my writing is going. But I'm thrilled that I'm writing. A lot more. I'm starting to let go of the fear that what I have to say is meaningless, or - worse yet - that I'll pick up a pen and have nothing to write and I'll discover I'm empty.

I feel like I'm on the edge of something. I continually see lines converging together, and their central point is me. That I will soon be at a major crossroads. Or like it's the moment before the coin stops spinning in mid-air, the second before a hand snatches it and slaps it onto the back of the other hand. And no matter if it's heads or tails, there is an important decision about to be revealed.

Right now, I have a lot of dreams but no vision. I listened to a recorded speech online last night, given by Donald Miller, and it was something I very much needed to hear. He talked about story, its elements, how the Bible is one story after another, and how God uses it to relate to us. He also talked about our stories and how they're only interesting when we're doing something.

I need to figure out how to pursue these dreams, how to gain vision. So I can start doing something, so my story becomes worthwhile.

Deep Churchonomy

I'm thinking still of the issue(s) I wrote about in my last post, which have become linked to the book I just finished reading yesterday, Deep Economy, which I also posted about recently. This book has me thinking a lot, and it's no wonder that the two have become connected.

In yesterday's entry, I wrote about the proliferation of programs in the church, questioning if everything a church gets itself into is a move of God. At one point I suggested some of these programs are a result of "a 'fad' which dictates effective churches do this, this and this." The key word here is "effective" and helped me connect this phenomena with the book.

Bill McKibben, Deep Economy's author, repeatedly brings up how the movement towards efficiency in every area of our modern life has been taken to extremes, creating very vulnerable centralized systems for everything from energy to agriculture. This is increasingly jeopardizing us as both a nation and a race, and this endangerment includes our entire planet.

But what I'm getting at here is that this cult of efficiency has sunk deeply into the way we approach everything - even our religion. As a Christian, I have repeatedly heard the message that we cannot substitute faith for systemology. And yet churches everywhere are filled with topical "how-to" sermons to improve every aspect of our lives. The "biblical approach to anger management" or "how would Jesus improve his marriage?" or "10 ways to be a better Christian." Sound far-fetched? Then you haven't been in your local Christian bookstore lately. (How about the New York Times #1 bestseller, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential by Joel Osteen, pastor of a mega-mega-church in Houston. You may be interested to know that the book has spawned a board game, (amusing review here), in case your family wants some inspirational playtime after praying for more stuff in accordance with the book's prosperity theology-based advice.)

What exactly is efficiency anyway? The definition doesn't sound harmful at all:
1. the state or quality of being efficient; competency in performance.
2. accomplishment of or ability to accomplish a job with a minimum expenditure of time and effort.

So where's the problem with adhering to the goal of being as efficient as possible? Well, in the world it's led to things like agribusiness, with one person overseeing thousands of acres, making barely any money, using pesticides, depleting the soil of nutrients, driving costs so low that the market has squeezed out nearly all competition and provided for monopolies, and given birth to the scarily easy risk of terrorist attack to our food supply... just to name a few.

In the church, efficiency leads to focusing more on marketing programs than on evangelism (and as someone who works in a marketing department, I constantly fight the inclination to creatively package whatever message I'm currently involved with), to replacing discipleship with "growth classes," to structuring the church along business models, to maximizing attendee comfort and minimizing the radicalness of Christian theology - watering down messages, removing any intimidating religious symbols, handing out fill-in-the-blank sermon notes.

Lest I begin to sound like an old-timer who wants uncomfortable pews and traditional dress standards back in the church, let me assure you I enjoy sitting at a small table in my jeans on Sunday mornings. My point is that it's difficult enough for most people to learn to follow the Jesus in the Bible without stripping away the real teachings of Christ that are the only way to get them there in the first place.

Remember, part of the definition of efficiency is "to accomplish a job with a minimum expenditure of time and effort." Commendable when you need to make 350 lunches on a Friday night, but even that's only up to a certain point. Consider the fact that Michelle Marks, the Assistant Director of Food For Thought, has continually needed to find new ways to either add more work or "slow down" the process of making lunches to accommodate all the volunteers that show up Friday nights, since the goal of Friday nights is less about production and more about community. If the mantra for Friday nights was "More, Faster" it could definitely be accomplished, but at the expense of people feeling connected to each other and to something bigger than themselves.

Efficiency taken to its end result is creating a giant mob of insulated individuals - who have no identity. Cogs in a machine churning out bland expressions of shallow, uniform faith. We would never consciously choose this for ourselves, but this is the sum of our choices. And the problem is often that we don't make conscious choices - routines, advertising, our own addiction to efficiency and convenience, and the fact that the list of alternatives is usually pretty darn short have us programed to "go with the flow." It's incredibly hard work to make intentional choices that are contrary to the norm. I know this first-hand. But the payoff is real freedom, yet also being part of a meaningful community. Knowing that you matter to the people around you, that the way you live your life is making a positive impact on the world.

Efficiency is great if it leads to excellence and paves the roads that connect us to each other. But it should be used in moderation, as it is only a tool and not a god. I prefer to worship the G-d who knows me and invites me to know Him; the G-d of relationships, not a god of systems and programs.

The Church As a Drain

This is another journal entry from over a year ago...

4.1.2007

I've had another idea for an article. It, too, is a subject I've thought about before, about serving within and outside of the church.

My contention is that churches try to do too much - they, as organizations, place (or have placed on them by their denominations) certain requirements and obligations which need to be met. Yes, this is usually "accountability" at work and oftentimes these obligations are viewed as God-ordained and absolutely necessary, whether seen as a biblical mandate, a denominational requirement for participation, or even a "fad" which dictates effective churches do this, this and this.

So churches, even small ones become sprawling associations of programs. These programs need to be planned, executed, and reviewed constantly. They need to be run by people, and many times by people who step in to fill a gap in a ministry, regardless if they have any passion, talent or even mild interest in it. (I sometimes wonder if spiritual gifts testing is some sort of subversive plot to staff the church with willing work drones.)

Take, for example, The Church of Lame Examples. TCLE has a sandwich ministry, with a mission to provide God-honoring sandwiches to those who are seeking spiritually-infused sandwiches.* Unfortunately, this ministry needs 6 sandwich-makers, but only 4 step up to the plate (no pun intended). At least 2 of them were "convicted" by the pastor or ministry leader about participating. If the ministry is lucky, 1 of the 4 actually has a passion and vision for sandwich-making. The other 3 don't know where to go to serve (hence, serving where they're told), or don't think they're doing enough, or think they're being humble by ignoring a call to do what they really want. All of them, and likely the church, may also be ignoring the fact that, perhaps, the ministry has outlived its usefulness, or - forgive me for writing this - may have never been intended by God to be started in the first place.

Programs grow - both as individual programs and in collective number. People are stretched thin, often serving in 2 or more programs. Volunteers burn out because they're not supposed to be serving anyway, and not only does the church lose effectiveness - and sometimes members, who don't feel inspired or appreciated - but the church also loses opportunities.

Take this issue and grow it to include the entire church, under pressure by its denomination to use certain methods (a.k.a., programs) to "reach out" to the surrounding community and fill seats, fill budgets, fill reports full of positive numbers. I believe that each church is part of the Church Universal, and as such is an extension of each of its members. Meaning that I believe each church calls to certain types of individuals, and the church collectively has a "spiritual gift" above other gifts. All church, like all Christians, are called to tithe, to feed the poor, reach out to the sick and imprisoned, to go forth and make disciples. None are exempt. But just as an individual may excel at organizing and connecting people and resources (administration, I think this is called), the church entire may be great at motivating a whole community to connect and rally around a certain issue.

I wonder now and then if our country, the world, whatever, has too many programs and associations and charities. So many are vying for our attention, our money and time, and so many are worthwhile. But so many overlap, and the Church often doesn't help - it only adds to it all.

I also wonder what would happen if more churches stopped creating programs and instead encouraged their members to go find and participate in programs at other churches, at non-church programs, and even - gasp! - non-Christian ones.

What would happen? It's just possible that...

• the church would become less myopic and internalized;
• the church would become more effective in the programs it's called to do;
• the members would experience growth as they encounter God outside of church;
• more people outside the church would be effected by the gospel.

As a single person, I sometimes hear advice to get involved in a program that interests me or volunteer for something I'm passionate about,* ostensibly so I can put myself in a position to not only grow, but to meet someone with similar interests - to put myself in an environment that has the potential to foster a relationship. If a church wants to changes lives, it has to go outside itself to meet people.

Then the command to love our neighbor as ourselves becomes a greater possibility.

*I'd like to note that the whole sandwich-ministry thing was written before I even heard about Food For Thought, which began in May 2007 while I was out west. In fact, I knew nothing, really, of FFT until a couple months later. I picked sandwich-making to be a little on the ludicrous side and envisioned it less like FFT and more like a lemonade-stand-right-outside-the-church-doors-to-rope-them-in kind of a thing. The funny thing is, as I reread this the other day, I recalled that at the time I had been entertaining the thought of creating a pb&j "tool belt" out of a half-apron and walking around DT Toledo to make sandwiches on the spot for people. I kid you not. However, like many of my ideas, it never came to fruition, and I "discovered" FFT already happening at my own church. :)

A Review of the Fourth

From The Fourth & ...

Yesterday was great - good food, good fun (I'm still a bit surprised that I initiated a volleyball game), but the best thing was family. It's sad that we all live within 3 hours of each other and hardly ever get together. I've heard of families living across the country and seeing each other more often. But maybe they can stand each other for longer periods. Ha. Seriously, I love being with my family, in all the ways we amuse and annoy one another.

I especially love it when we do illegal things together. Dad bought $600 worth of fireworks and Uncle Rob, our own "expert", set them off. There were some really nice ones, ones that freaked out my cousin Brian (oh, wait, that's all of them) and my aunt Kris. People in the neighborhoods all around us were setting theirs off, and we enjoyed the light show for well over an hour. We got a little rowdy - all of us younger ones (excluding Abby, of course) had been drinking (I had all of three Twisters in me) and we were shouting challenges and smack to the other people around us setting off their fireworks, none of whom could hear us. But it was fun.

The highlight of my evening, though, was the old photo album Kris brought up for me to start scanning. It has a lot of pictures of my grandma - Dad's mom - in it, and even a letter from Great-Grandpa Bill - my grandma's stepfather, whom I never met; indeed, I barely remember GG, my grandma's mother - to Great-Grandma Lila/GG (Lila is such a beautiful name!). There were more personal notes in this one, and I feel a kindred spirit to GG who made several of these albums, two of which were destroyed because of the fire. I just hate two things she did: taping the photos to the album pages (though I'm sure she didn't know any better), and writing people's names right on the photo - sometimes even on the people. According to the inscription in the front of the album, a first for any of them I've seen, she even "antiqued" (I believe she was actually referring to the three hand-tinted photos) some of them. I will definitely be scanning and archiving these photos (more memory art projects!) - I may even create a flickr account, since I've used up so much of my Picasa account already.

I've slept in too long today, even allowing for the fact that I drove home through smoke-heavy streets to get home and to bed just before 1 AM to fall asleep to the sounds of firecrackers still going off intermittently. I should mow - the yard needs it desperately, and I'm tired of looking like that house on our street - but I'm feeling icky and still smell of smoke, DEET and sunscreen so I want to go ahead a take my shower. Uncle Rob & Aunt Kris and their youngest daughter Vickie, along with her boyfriend Keven, are still in town. I think I'll get cleaned up, run a couple errands, and get back over to Dad's to visit a little longer.

Happy Independence Day!

I just woke up a few minutes ago, but I'm in a great mood. I had a fantastic dream before I woke up - one of the ones (a very rare one!) where I'm beautiful, and there's some nice guy atrracted to me. Only this dream had 3 guys attracted to me. I was working on some project that a secret, evil group was interested in - whether it was stealing it for themselves or covering up, I don't know. But, unbeknownst to me, there was a government agent (in the form of Ryan Gosling, who is cute in a way, but it's weird because I've not seen a lot of his movies and I'm not really into blonde guys) who was assigned to protect me but he also liked me. Then there was a guy I worked with (sweet and kinda dorky, the personality type I favor) who really liked me, even though I think I remember him being used as a spy for that evil underground group (obviously, this was not the job I currently have). The last guy was more of just a passing glance - I was walking down the stairs in the corporate building, he was walking up, and we turned each other's heads. That guy had the type of looks in which I'm normally interested. Combine his looks with the personality of the guy I worked with - sans the whole pawn of evil plot thing - and you have my dream guy (Blast from the Past, anyone?).

I feel like such a goofy teen writing this out, but I loved the feeling of being desirable. Even though it was obviously just a dream, I can still relish the high from it. Should carry me through the day - and hopefully into my dreams tonight. :)

We Can't Handle the Truth

I'm reading this book now, Deep Economy: The Wealth of Communities and the Durable Future, by Bill McKibben. Actually, I'm plowing through it, given the fact it's saturated with facts and knowledge that doesn't normally attract me, since I've had it less than a week and I'm nearly through it. Came highly recommended by Pastor Don.

It's fascinating, frightening and hopeful all at the same time, which probably explains why it's so addictive. Ever feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with the way we live - eating, shopping, housing, relationships... McKibben has dug up the roots of our current society to expose where we've gone wrong. Why the religion of continuous, unrelenting (in fact, consistently speeding up) economic growth has derailed us and the planet. Fortunately, McKibben's not focused so much on blame and complaint as he is on providing solutions - experiments that are already working right here in our country. Which is sweet news.

A lot of the book is intuitive common sense. We can (or at least many of us can) see Earth is feeling the effects of our presence; we can see the rich get richer and the poor get poorer; we can (at least when asked at Christmastime) say we know that having more material possessions does not make us happier. But the strength of the book is the linking of all of these (and more) common sense observations, backed with facts, and presented with a call for change that includes examples of change already in progress.

Even though I feel more of my liberal friends would be more open to this book, there is much I wish all my friends and family would read. It basically boils down to community and thinking locally. Feel free to contact me if you want me to rant more!

Notes from a Dork

I recently found my journal from last year and realized how much I missed regularly writing and what it did for me. I want to start up again, but use this blog instead, which means I'll have to be vulnerable. That's fine.

But first I'm going to post a few excerpts from my old journal. I'll skip the banal ones and the freaky ones.

3/24/07

So I'm thinking about writing an article and trying to get it published by The Burnside Writer's Collective, the group Donald Miller started with friends. I want the article to reflect some of the thoughts in my last journal entry* - that there's a large segment of people in the church who've been marginalized, but they have no name.

No one really ever talks about the oddballs. We talk of misfits in reference to children, but it's as if, at some certain but undefined age, that term/classification/feeling/state of being magically melts away. But it doesn't.

Every church has a few people that don't fit anywhere. They're the excessive talkers, the completely withdrawn, the emotionally unbalanced, the paranoid, the angry, the negative, and those who have need of drugs to aid them in coping with everyday life (and I'm not referring to medicine for a physical ailment). They are the ones who dress oddly (but not to be oddly fashionable), who have poor hygiene, who cling, who champion bizarre ideas or dogma. They are either too draining or too embarrassing to be around. We don't know how to love them, because we can't get past our uncomfortableness. Or, if we have tried to love them, they have repeatedly frustrated us and strained our sympathies to the point of giving way. Our ability to identify with them has been outreached, and our sense of responsibility to them has been exhausted.

I am one of them, yet I struggle to love other ones that I meet. And either I learn to love them as I should, or I give up hope that anyone will love me as I need. It is time to learn.

*The journal entry was rather freaky, so I won't scare you with it. Part of it, however, talked about feeling marginalized because I'm socially retarded. "To marginalize someone is 'to relegate or confine to a lower or outer limit or edge, as of social standing.'"

Oh, and by the way, I never did write that article, though I did have some interesting discussion with Pastor Steve in the way of "researching" for it. :)