Thoughts

This is what I've been thinking about between yesterday and today.

You know what? Never mind. Because I'm going to get one or two responses that tell me I shouldn't feel that way, that will tell me I'm special or try to reason with me. But it's all bunk. Seriously.

I don't doubt you are smarter than I am, but I can't imagine you have anything new to say that I haven't used before to cheer myself up. The arguments are stale and flat. There's no life to them. Most likely because they're not true.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of subscribing to the fallacy that each of us is unique, that we all contribute something special. No offense to you. You are all amazing people. But not everyone is. The fact is, anyone could do what I do. And probably better. So let me make room for them.

Oh, wait. You want to use the line of reasoning that I do think I'm special because I'm trying to say that everyone else is except for me. Well, no. Not really. I think there are some other folks out there just as expendable as me. There are over 6 billion people on the planet, with thousands dying needlessly everyday. You want to tell me how great and loving God is when some people don't ever have a chance to live? And then He makes people like me who have no end of the necessities of life, but can't seem to rise above and actually do something with themselves. I think that either He doesn't listen to me anymore or He never did in the first place.

No, I'm so done with clinging to a hope that's disappointed me over and over again.

I don't doubt you. I know you care. I appreciate that you came to my birthday dinner. And for those that couldn't be there but have invested so much into me, thanks. I'm sorry it's been a waste.

I don't want calls or emails. I know it seems that posting this is a call for attention. Yeah, I know I'm a whore in that regard. But this time, I just want to dump. I don't want sympathy or hugs or anything else. I want to be left alone.

I will do what I need to do. I'll keep going through the motions. But I'm tired of making excuses for myself. For God. For other people. It's all a big waste. At least on my part.

Random Thoughts, The Sequel

In no particular order, here are some issues that have concerned me lately...

• Imitation Crabmeat. It's kosher, so there's obviously no crab in it, which then begs the question of how "they" make it look and taste like crab. And was there a huge Jewish demand for imitation crabmeat that necessitated its creation? If so, how did Jewish people know they wanted imitation crabmeat if they'd never tasted crab? Sinners!


• How negative can you be before you're considered a pessimist? I suppose this is relative - Johnny hates the rain because it ruined his picnic, Susie loves it because it makes flowers grow, so Johnny is the pessimist here; however, Johnny is an optimist compared to Fred, who just plain hates rain. I wonder this because of a discussion I recently participated in where I guess I came across as a pessimist. But when I go home and listen to a very dear relation of mine, I feel like freaking Pollyanna . . . well, until I listen long enough to start looking for the dull razor blades.


• OK, this is going to come across as complaining. Maybe it is. I don't care. I just really want to know why I often see very attractive/pretty/sometimes beautiful women with average- or below average-looking guys, but I very, very rarely see the opposite.


• What makes kosher salt kosher?


• Hairless cats. Why? Seriously. Remove the hair, remove the chance of finding the cat remotely desirable of petting, adoring, etc.


• People always want to ask G-d questions, like "Why is there pain and suffering in the world You created?" But I think G-d would frequently like to ask us, "What the heck were you thinking?!"


• I miss my grandma.


• Why do we wait until people are dead to say how much we cared about them, how much we respect/admire them, how special they were? We all need to hear it NOW.


• If it's not aging that bothers you, what's up with not celebrating your birthday? It's the one day in the year where you're excused for making it all about you!


• Why are bunnies so dang cute?


• I need more... gumption/moxie. Know where I can get some?

Forgetting Love, Part Deux

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while, and it may get interesting, depending on just how personal I get. But after my last post, where I admitted to being dateless for over 15 years (and this is more than dateless, this is never being asked out, never having any interest shown toward me as a woman), I've been wondering where the responsibility lies in that. As in how much of it is the way I look, how much the way I act, how much just happenstance?

If you spend any time around me, you know I frequently comment on my weight. Typically in a joking manner. For a long time, I used to attribute my apparent unattractiveness to the opposite sex to my looks. (I still do, to some extent.) But I eventually discovered that guys had even MORE reason to be uninterested in moi. As Joy Nash rants, "'That guy would never ask me out; I'm fat.' As if that was the only thing that could possibly be wrong with me! . . . I've got this great, big automatic excuse. I never have to work on any other aspect of my personality. The only thing that anyone could possibly have a problem with is the fact that I'm fat."

OK, so beyond my weight there is: unreliability, neediness, selfishness, laziness . . . the list goes on. (Trust me, I've made it several times.) Beyond lack of being physically attractive, there's a deep, prevailing conviction that I'm not mate material anyway. So this should be a no-brainer, right? It's obvious that being single is the best thing for me. Phew! I'm so glad logic can spare my heart.

Rrrright.

On the flip side of all this is the fear. There are several things that contribute to my weight. Poor diet. Lack of exercise. Yes, that's a given. But there are things you don't know. Did you ever wonder how I started down this path? Do you ever wonder why it's so hard to change when I know what needs to be done? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I have reasons I'm afraid of losing weight, afraid of being attractive? Or that maybe I fear I'll lose weight and STILL not be pretty?

Don't get me wrong - I have so many, many reasons to be glad I'm on my way to getting healthy (fourth day working out, baby!). There's just a lot to it. And, again, it's more than being fat. And even more than all my character flaws.

See, I have certain beliefs about relationships that don't seem to be terribly common. While I am a romantic in some ways, I'm actually very pragmatic about "love". I'm cautious. If a guy I didn't know or barely knew flirted with me - I really wouldn't recognize it if he did, so let's be more direct - asked me out, I would be suspiscious. Having spent the last 15+ years observing other people and their relationships, I find that guys who move fast, er, want everything to move fast.

You may be picking up on the fact that I don't believe in love at first sight. Lust, certainly. Attraction, yes. But not love. Love has to be proved in a relationship. End of story.

So, what I'm getting at is this: Not only am I fat, and deeply flawed, I am very much convinced that my Mr. Right does not exist. Because he'd have to A) accept me as I look and act; B) be patient as he's my friend first; C) be consistent in showing interest because I'm clueless and full of doubt; and D) not be into dating.

Oh, ya, I forgot to mention that, didn't I? I think dating is stupid. Terribly, horribly and irrevocably brain-dead stupid. But that's another post. Maybe.

Here's the hope I hold out, beyond losing my physical and emotional baggage, is that I will also lose the desire to be desired. That I'll be content with being single. Because, when I look at the pros and cons, singleness is just as good as coupledness. But logic and heart don't speak the same language, and it's those pesky emotions that trip me up all the time.