Yay! I finally got my copy of Ravi Zacharias's The Lamb and the Fuhrer: Jesus Talks with Hitler today. It's been on back-order since August. I've loved the two other little "Jesus talks with..." books he's done, and this one promises to be very interesting. I consider Zacharias the contemporary CS Lewis, whose writing I love. After dipping into Mere Christianity for my first post here, I realized I need to read it once again.
In looking back at Monday's post, I realize some of it sounds harsh. So I plan on writing more to clarify those feelings and the thoughts that have been on my mind since then. I also plan on writing at least one blog about vulnerability. That's been echoing up there lately.
Just one last word for now. I read this in one of those email forwards, and it just seemed to stand out: "Love people and use things - don't love things and use people." Thought it was a good thing to meditate on.
And if anybody's reading this, don't forget to check out the links and other blogs I've listed to the right. Thanks to Sarah Parker's blog, Going Bananas, I found this. If you want, you can subscribe to this blog to be notified by email when I update it. Just use the easy little form to the right!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
Borderline Heretic?
These past couple weeks were very difficult for me, especially emotionally. I've been involved in a women's study on the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge, and it's brought up a lot of issues for me. Like I really need help being hyper-sensitive in the "am I worthy/beautiful" department. So all those undercurrents are moving, then add to that the stuff going on at church, then add to that the "shock" I received last Monday night... up and down, up and down. I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't saturated with God's grace right now.
Let me focus on the feelings the book drags up repeatedly. Most of them aren't new - in fact, a good deal of them are thoughts I try to get rid of, which I realize is the point of the book. It's just so... so freaking frustrating for me that I'm not jumping ahead to the "fix-it" chapters, because you know they're there. Just about all contemporary Christian non-fiction is focused on the "fix-it" aspect. Not that it's worked on me yet!
So these thoughts and feelings - mainly negative and mainly directed towards me - are swirling around. Here's what I found myself writing out Saturday, which led to a good cry and a looong nap.
"I have spent my whole life waiting for someone to come along who wants to know me, who would say, 'Amanda, you're worth pursuing. You're worth me making you a priority in my life. You're worth knowing completey, even the fears and thoughts that haunt you and why they're there. You're worth me spending myself to love you and do everything you're willing to let me do to heal you.'
"This is what Christ has offered to me. This is what He's already done for me to prove His love. This is what He is saying to me everyday.
"So why do I still want someone else to say these things? Is Christ not enough? That aching void He created in me to draw me to Him - no one has filled it. No one's even come close. And to be starkly honest, I don't believe anyone has ever wanted to. My parents failed me, my friends failed me, my mentors and teachers failed me. I am still bereft."
I suppose this is where God wants me to be - knowing that I must always turn to Him for what I cannot receive anywhere else. Why do I struggle so much with allowing myself to be completely dependant on God, yet I annoy the crap out of people with my neediness? How I envy all of you who don't give a rat's patootie about whether or not people care about you! What is your secret? Why did God leave that ingredient out when he made me - that ability to not need anyone else to validate my worth? *sigh*
OK, so about now the Reason Police are pounding on the door, trying to break up the Pity Party I'm having with myself. But that's a whole 'nother blog.
Let me focus on the feelings the book drags up repeatedly. Most of them aren't new - in fact, a good deal of them are thoughts I try to get rid of, which I realize is the point of the book. It's just so... so freaking frustrating for me that I'm not jumping ahead to the "fix-it" chapters, because you know they're there. Just about all contemporary Christian non-fiction is focused on the "fix-it" aspect. Not that it's worked on me yet!
So these thoughts and feelings - mainly negative and mainly directed towards me - are swirling around. Here's what I found myself writing out Saturday, which led to a good cry and a looong nap.
"I have spent my whole life waiting for someone to come along who wants to know me, who would say, 'Amanda, you're worth pursuing. You're worth me making you a priority in my life. You're worth knowing completey, even the fears and thoughts that haunt you and why they're there. You're worth me spending myself to love you and do everything you're willing to let me do to heal you.'
"This is what Christ has offered to me. This is what He's already done for me to prove His love. This is what He is saying to me everyday.
"So why do I still want someone else to say these things? Is Christ not enough? That aching void He created in me to draw me to Him - no one has filled it. No one's even come close. And to be starkly honest, I don't believe anyone has ever wanted to. My parents failed me, my friends failed me, my mentors and teachers failed me. I am still bereft."
I suppose this is where God wants me to be - knowing that I must always turn to Him for what I cannot receive anywhere else. Why do I struggle so much with allowing myself to be completely dependant on God, yet I annoy the crap out of people with my neediness? How I envy all of you who don't give a rat's patootie about whether or not people care about you! What is your secret? Why did God leave that ingredient out when he made me - that ability to not need anyone else to validate my worth? *sigh*
OK, so about now the Reason Police are pounding on the door, trying to break up the Pity Party I'm having with myself. But that's a whole 'nother blog.
Sunday, October 9, 2005
Cheating & A Diary Entry
In order to keep this blog going but not having my thoughts clear enough to transcribe for public viewing, I am going to cheat by sharing an entry from my diary. Hey, it's my blog and I'll do what I want to!
10:42 PM, 4/13/05
I am reading Something More by Catherine Marshall again - it's one of the books I try to cycle through my reading list because it's packed with so much that refreshes and instructs me. Anyway, I'm in Chapter 2, "The Golden Bridge of Praise," and I realized I am trying to pull a Pollyanna act on God. I am praising Him for the possible positives of the difficult situations in my life. While that may sound somewhat commendable (and it certainly had me duped), I see I am, in effect, short-circuiting the pupose and power of praise.
See, by trying to look at the good side of a negative thing, I am, in essence, just trying once more to figure out why and how. Why God might allow such-and-such to happen; and how I might see it changed or it become a blessing later on. However, the purpose (and as such, the power) of praise is the sacrifice of it - letting the situation go.
It's amazing to me how easily I can deceive myself. But the beautiful thing is, if I put real praise into action, it's so much simpler. Restful. Even joyful. Lord God, You are so wonderful!
10:42 PM, 4/13/05
I am reading Something More by Catherine Marshall again - it's one of the books I try to cycle through my reading list because it's packed with so much that refreshes and instructs me. Anyway, I'm in Chapter 2, "The Golden Bridge of Praise," and I realized I am trying to pull a Pollyanna act on God. I am praising Him for the possible positives of the difficult situations in my life. While that may sound somewhat commendable (and it certainly had me duped), I see I am, in effect, short-circuiting the pupose and power of praise.
See, by trying to look at the good side of a negative thing, I am, in essence, just trying once more to figure out why and how. Why God might allow such-and-such to happen; and how I might see it changed or it become a blessing later on. However, the purpose (and as such, the power) of praise is the sacrifice of it - letting the situation go.
It's amazing to me how easily I can deceive myself. But the beautiful thing is, if I put real praise into action, it's so much simpler. Restful. Even joyful. Lord God, You are so wonderful!
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