Forgetting Love

Thanksgiving was good. Not as "thankful" as my meal on Sunday at the Schiewers', but still nice. One of the hard parts, though, was going to the nursing home to see my step-grandma. She's only been there two weeks, but it's hard for her to remember that. Because she has Alzheimer's.

This is the second time in my life where I've watched someone I care about slowly lose who they are. It's easier this time - I'm not as close to Gramma Anderson as I was to my dad's mom, and I'm not with her everyday, and it's not as physically devastating as cancer - but it's still hard. In the end, she will be just as unrecognizing of her children and grandchildren as Grandma Marcia was.

Watching Gramma Anderson and listening to her talk, I think about strength and frailty. About autonomy and dependence. About how transient our minds and memories are. How transient, in fact, we are. These are not new thoughts - not even for me. But they seem more important right now. Not just fleeting musings, but more pressing.

Gramma Anderson is probably in stage 6 of her disease, one of the latter stages. She's generally in a good mood, but asks every few minutes when she's going home. There's no sense of time. I think this may be helped along by the SSDD-ness of being in a nursing home. There's nothing quite like a regimented schedule in a bland environment to help you lose track of time. Life slides by in a blur.

I am one of those people who see connections everywhere. Usually me to something or someone else. (It always comes back to me, because that's what everything's about. Didn't you know?) If someone criticizes another person, I think of me doing/not doing the same and immediately feel guilty. If someone has a character flaw, almost no matter what it is, I identify with them.

I say this because I see me in larger nursing home, wandering the hallways without direction or sense of time. I spend most of my time living in my head, split between daydream fantasies of doing something amazing, being someone amazing, having something amazing happening to me, or nightmare worries that I'll always be stuck between never enough and forever too much.

The reality in my head - who I dream I am and the monster I know myself to be, constantly feeding each other - has everything and nothing to do with the way I live my life. In fact, it usually keeps me from living. I spend so much time worrying about how I present myself, rejecting vulnerability in favor of a comfortable facade, that I miss so many moments to be in my own life.

The ironic thing about all of this is that I believe we are all meant to lose who we are. Not in the Alzheimer's way, of course, but in the deliberate way of giving up all the ways in which we would prefer to identify ourselves - attractive, witty, talented, successful, loved - in favor of spending who we are to lift up each other. To open ourselves up beyond easy love.

I say the last thing because of what happened last Sunday. Our agape family ate our Thanksgiving meal around a table (that in and of itself is its own beautiful thing), then we went "popcorn-style" around the table and shared what we were thankful for. I didn't know what to expect, since a few people in our group are very private people, but it was amazing. Everyone shared. There were tears. And a lot of love. People stepped out of their comfort zone and made themselves vulnerable. I want to cry just thinking about it. I am so thankful for them and last Sunday.

We visited Gramma Anderson Thursday, then went back again on Friday to take her some things to make her room seem more personal. Mostly photos. Her younger self. Her husband. Her sons. Her grandchild (not me). Her great-grandkids. She recognizes them still, but can't think of names. I wonder what it would be like to see a picture of your husband and not remember his name. Then eventually not remember him at all. To forget you loved and were loved.

I, frankly, will probably never have this problem. Please excuse the bitterness - I struggle with it a lot - but spending the last 15+ years never having a man be interested in you leaves one a little pessimistic about one's chances for the rest of her life. This is what bugs me most about being single - never having the opportunity to not be, the whole "completely undesirable" thing, feeling like my name is a joke. There are only a couple of other aspects that are a bit depressing about singleness. Otherwise, it's not a big deal. I cope.

But not very well, huh? My struggle is this: to go ahead and forget love. Forget being loved. And at the same time pouring my own love out to everyone, regardless of whether they want it or not. (Please tell me it's possible to be so full of love that it doesn't matter if you receive any back. G-d, how I want this!) To move past what I want and do life without wishing I was someone else. To get out of the SSDD-ness of living in my head and stop letting life slide by. No more blur. Every moment matters.

I'm hoping that by writing these things out here I will be released of them. I hope someday we both know an Amanda that is free from the burden of herself. Because then I can carry yours, and truly be your friend. Then I will stop loving myself so much that I'm afraid to love you, too.

Still Alive

At Tana's behest, I am updating my blog, though I should probably do it when in a better mood.

Here are the facts: I am still reading everyday (well, for the most part - I missed both days this weekend), and spending time in prayer every morning and nearly every night. Prayer, though, is not as consistently awesome as it was in the beginning; however, I knew to expect this. The thing is remembering to be sincere without worrying about how I feel. I pray to live Shema and to learn to love G-d for who He is, rather than just for what He does. I want this very much. This is key to all my relationships.

Early on in my "resurgence of faith", I received a big chunk of unexpected blessing in the form of getting to the point in prayer where I thanked G-d for making me me. That hasn't changed, but...

In all honesty, the depression is still there. There is so much that wants to spill out of me, but - and I mean this as no condemnation to my friends - I don't thing anyone is equipped to receive it. I try to think through things; reason and emotion are constantly arguing in me. I wonder - is there a difference between self-examination and self-analysis? Because what I do (constantly berating myself and finding fault) brings despair and depression, but I have a feeling that what G-d calls us to is supposed to bring healing and hope. So... How do they differ? How can I obey G-d and examine my heart without falling prey to the habits of self-analysis I already have?

Part of my problem is I think I already know all the answers to my issues. And none of them are good enough, of course, because none of them are what I want to hear. Why is it that the truth about your pain just makes the pain worse? "Ah, yes, you know, the reason you struggle with issue A is because you're too B. You need to stop being so B." Salt, meet open wound. More burden; more despair. This doesn't seem like the way of a gracious G-d, but why does it sound so much like the truth? It's the brick wall I keep banging my head against.

I was going to ask you if you ever felt handicapped, but there's a more descriptive word for me. Do you, reader, ever feel subhuman? I daydream all the time of doing something amazing; for just a little while making everyone I care about realize I'm more than they thought I was, rather than always feeling like less than everyone else. Even today, being with my friends, I felt... inept, clumsy, dull, afraid. I feel the constant need to prove myself. What a burden - not just on me, but on my relationships. All I want is to make other people happy; instead, I create environments where I only think about myself. I'm so sorry.

Are you sick of this? I am. I apologize if I've brought you down. Um, go blame Tana. Seriously, though, I will leave you with this: No matter how dark things get for me, I still believe G-d is always good. I love Him. I know He loves me. And I know some of you love me, too. No matter how difficult I make it for you. ;)

Alive Again

Do you remember this post from 2007, where I said I was ready to fall in love with Jesus again? Or this post a few months back, where I mentioned I was still waiting for it to happen?

Well, this morning marked the 7th day in a row I've had devotions (prayer and reading the bible) before the start of my day.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I want to finish this post with exclamation points. Because this is what I've been praying for... just this day-by-day beautiful, thankful, awe-filled, simple time with G-d.

I keep wanting to analyze how it happened, what made last Sunday morning so different that I simply slid out of bed to my knees and talked with G-d, and followed it up with a few of the beginning chapters of Matthew. I want to break down my experience, looking for the right way I must have prayed or something that triggered the change.

But part of me realizes there's no point to that. That this is something that - for right now - is a wonderful gift from G-d, each day and its moments, and I need to grab ahold of what's in front of me, and cling to the fact that I'm here with him right now. To build a foundation that will not crumble ever again. I don't ever want to miss G-d again like I have for nearly three years.

I'm so excited about what this means, about what Amanda honoring G-d and becoming herself in the image of Christ looks like. I wonder if people will be able to see the difference, if the lightness and freedom I've felt the past few days will show in my face and be heard in my voice.

The heavy burden of worrying about my weight, money, what others think of me, if I'll ever be good enough for this or that, etc.... it's gone. Gone in the sense of carrying it around everywhere. Oh, I still have my moments, but right now the joy of what's going on with me and G-d is overwhelming. I am living Christ's invitation of coming to him with my weariness and worriness and finding rest. I am meditating throughout the day and finding my mind and my heart are being guarded, that the self-discipline needed to banish those negative thoughts is immediately there.

I still have a lot of sin in my life - gluttony, judgement, self-gratification and glory-seeking, amongst others - and I still see obstacles, but I also feel released from condemnation. These things are part of my life (for now), but I know G-d has his priorities for what he wants done in me, for me, through me. The freedom of realizing I'm here to live each moment - nothing more, nothing less - is so incredible.

If you have been praying for me, thank you. Thank you so much. Please continue. It is bearing fruit, and soon I will be, too. But don't forget to also praise G-d. He is so worthy.

My love to all!