Hoping Again

It's been over a year since this post, and a lot has happened since then. Not all that I'd hoped, especially the desires as outlined in that post, but things that have moved me and changed me, though the jury is still out on whether or not I've been changed for the better.

The reason I'm writing now is... I just had one of those eye-opening moments, where my eyes actually did get bigger. It was an instantaneous God-download of insight for myself right on the heels of a prayer. And I mean feel-the-humid-breath-of-the-hound-of-heaven-on-the-back-of-your-calves "on the heels".

But I have to rewind to Thursday night, when I started a short but intensive 3-day Biblical Rescue Class, led by Dan Rogers, President and CEO of Cherry Street Mission Ministries. I learned there are two kinds of care, therapeutic (long-term) and surgical (emergency). This class focused on surgical, and took a lot of conventional wisdom regarding dealing with people's "issues" and turned it on its ear. I was blown away by a lot of it and how it just made complete sense (and sense of why so many other things have NOT worked for me).

It came as no surprise to me that I am in need of rescue. I have been aware of my immaturity and "issues" for a very, very long time. (In fact, I knew going into the class I was going more for myself at this point than for any other person.) But 90% of all the self-analysis I have done in an attempt to "fix" myself has been the surgical equivalent of a first-year med student performing complicated bypass surgery on a real patient. Not very productive. I flatline myself quite frequently.

The class was awesome, and I found myself at lunch today flipping through all my notes (there were a LOT), paying particular attention to the Six Principles of Rescue. The Fifth Principle is "A person in need of Rescue will not know they are living crooked unless the Rescuer is living a straight line next to them" - or something VERY similar. And in my notes next to this is the Straight Line for Rescuers - a 4-part guideline for maintaining "straightness".

The first guideline is Search Me (Ps. 139:23). And I stopped right there. I start to pray for God to search me. Right away, I get that eyes-widening experience.

I feel like I have a hundred cuts all over me, all of them raw and bleeding. I can see them all. I'm aware of every single one. The accumulated pain is overwhelming, and so is the desire to see all of them "fixed" at once. I'm pleading for God to heal me, over and over and over and over again. I get tired of the sound of my voice crying out to God. Weeping. Angry. Despairing. Badgering. I use bandages, but they get soaked through and fall off. I show one or two cuts here and there to different people, but no one is equipped to fix me, and I'm afraid to show anyone all of them. I've gotten to the point where I think even God has gotten disgusted with me, my cuts, and my pathetic attempts to take care of them, but I continue to plead for His help. I'm still overwhelmed and fatigued with searching myself - seeing every cut, continuously finding new ones.

This is where I am right now in my life. Where I have been for quite some time. This is what opened my eyes a little wider this afternoon: God told me that I was finally on my way because I asked HIM to search me. He is relieving me of the burden of searching myself. He reminded me that only He can fix the cuts, only He can determine which ones are the most serious, only He knows in what order the healing process takes place.

I think, though, I still need to go through a Rescue. And I'm considering allowing it to be galleried, though I keep getting the image of a bunch of people sitting behind a one-way mirror watching me - like a movie scene where people are viewing an execution. So, pray for me. I'm hopeful again.