When "Photoshopping" Doesn't Work

When it's time for company pictures to be taken, I get hailed as a rock star, especially by the ladies. Not because I'm a great photographer, but because I'm skilled enough with Photoshop's healing brush tool and liquify filter to take off the decades and the extra pounds.

Most of the time, I enjoy removing the little blemishes and thinning faces and necks to get rid of the flattened, chubby look my inept picture-taking has added. My goal is less to change the way they look and more to ensure the photo captures who they really are - to let the subject's personality come through a bit more. Doesn't hurt that it makes them happier with their picture.

Today, however, I took a photo I didn't really want to retouch. I cropped it down and adjusted the lighting - no problem. I wish I could leave it at that. Not because the subject was perfect, or even very photogenic, but because her face was creased and cracked with hundreds of fine lines. Her skin was the opposite of the smooth, youthful look I usually have no problem helping along with a brush stroke here and there. So opposite, in fact, it seemed wrong to erase the character all those little wrinkles added. It felt like I was stealing her life.

Yet this is what people want - to be altered towards perfection, however unreal and lifeless it may make them. Though I often wish I could make a voodoo version of Photoshop and liquify my many extra pounds away in real life with a few simple movements of the mouse, there's a story behind my obesity, just as there will be a story behind that final, successful effort when I change my lifestyle and lose the weight. Just like today's photo subject has a story behind her lined face that deserves to be told.

There's a thread of theology in the faith I've practiced all my life which seems to discredit flaws and celebrate perfection, which focuses much energy on someday being "transformed" into what G-d always intended us to be. I'm not calling this wrong, but neither do I think it's right. I think G-d has always intended us to celebrate life as we find it - perfection and imperfection alike. Mourn tragedy, yes. But when it comes to people, remember all are made in his image. Even the fat, the old, the infirm, and the dirty.

Today I found G-d in some wrinkles. Where have you found G-d lately?

Gone Publishin'

No, I'm not dead. Just really busy. I have been blogging, but in relation to a project. If you haven't talked to me lately, here's what I'm working on.

I'm doing OK, still employed, still sharing ownership of a house in Toledo with my aunt, still trying to figure out how to grow up.

My best to all. I'll try to post something more signficant soon.

Small Reminder

Flipped quickly through a notebook and found some thoughts scribbled there once upon a time:

"When you control your behavior despite how you feel, you are learning to also control your feelings."

May not always be true, but I am finding it mostly true when paired with choosing to be positive/cheerful. Like this past week, I've felt really weird here at work, as if this is somehow "the end". But have pointedly tried to not be mopey or anxious. I can't think of any reason why, but if I'm up for the chopping block, can't see there's much I can do about it.

I'm Not Worthy

All my life, I have been dogged with the idea of discipline and my lack thereof. Holiness. Righteousness. Obedience. These are all good things. But the ideas of them have sat in judgement of me. I have felt so condemned for so long.

They echo a theme in my life. I am not good enough. I have to try harder. If I only loved God more, than I would obey him more.

Where is the freedom to be? To let go? Why do we always feel it necessary to remind ourselves and each other of why God is merciful? To "temper" his compassion with the reason for it - that we are not worthy. It is for our sakes that God has loved us. Or is it?

I, yes I, am the one who blots out your offenses for my own sake;
I will not remember your sins.
- Isaiah 43:25, emphasis mine

I mentioned a couple of posts ago the meaning of my name, Amanda - beloved, worthy to be loved, lovable - and that I have thought it a cruel joke for a long time. (I will spare you the reiteration of why.) The truth is I have been waiting for some official validation, someone to disclose my redeeming quality that would justify my existence. I could point to it or name it and immediately self-confidence would flow through me and the person I was proving myself to would then acknowledge my worthiness. Maybe even be in jealous awe.

But what if I lost my redeeming quality? Or what if it got tarnished or fell out of fashion? What if I met someone who had the same one - but better? Or someone who just didn't like it?

I have, by the way, lived this out so many times. I make these laundry lists of why people might like me and I invariably cannot measure up in the end. Or the part of me that I tried to make the whole basis of my worth was rejected. The tailspin from that is uncontrollable.

And I am tired of cataloguing everything. My faults. My sins. Reasons why my friends might love me.

"By loving me you have made me lovable."
- St. Augustine

I have wanted that to be true from so many sources - parents, friends, colleagues, crushes - and have repeatedly rejected the one constant, unconditional, immovable, and proven source.

All I have to know is that God loves me. I don't have to know why. I cannot know why. Because God is love, and who can fully wrap their minds around God?

God does not love me for my potential. God does not love the me I want to be. Or think I should be.

God LOVES me as I am now.

God loves ME as I am now.

God loves me as I am NOW.

Jesus is my redeeming quality. Jesus living in me, through me.

I've balked so long the idea of "finding my identity in Christ". It sounds so . . . Borgish. Like I'm to be a Jesus clone with no personality and no desires/dreams of my own. But...

1. Do I really believe Jesus was bland and boring?
2. Do I really believe the God that made me me at this time, in this place, with my experiences and personality would then turn around and not use this material, raw as it is?

The freedom of Jesus being my redeeming quality (and all my other awesomeness being icing on the cake) - it's 180 degrees from what I've thought mattered for so long. The pressure of trying to be someone else and the pressure of making myself appear worthy - God or no God, for those of you who think I've gone off the Jesus deep end - is blessedly lessening.

In this, too, I am coming to realize that I may always care what other people think of me, much as I would love to drop that immediately. But I am learning to not care as much. And also learning the joy of that old Sunday School song - "O, how I love Jesus because he first loved me."

Oh, It's a Beautiful Morning...

Doing pretty good, if you couldn't tell from the title.

Friday night saw me taking the little sis to FFT and then over to the Tent City volunteer dinner thing. A little too much too soon - I started to feel overwhelmed and struggled with slipping back into the destructive thinking patterns that chase me out of being in community even while in the middle of it. It was, however, very nice to see a bunch of folks, collect on some hugs, and - though awkward - try to explain to those who don't read this fabulous blog what's been going on with me.

Saturday was a wash. I felt blah and lazy, and absolutely nothing productive happened, beyond me getting my head back on straight by the end of the day.

Sunday was interesting. Hitched a ride with my dad to go see my uncle in Ashland who has cancer. While in the car, he emails Dad and begs off of the visit - he was having a really bad day. So we ended up going to my step-grandparents and hanging out for the rest of the morning and the afternoon. Another awkward situation, as I haven't been there in about 15 years. Got back around 4, and fought to stay awake until 8.

So, that's the recap of the weekend. In more interesting news, I've designed a desktop wallpaper that I'll be submitting to Smashing Magazine this week. I'll link to it if they end up using it. I don't suppose it will bring me any business or recognition beyond me being able to say my work has been featured in Smashing Magazine. But that's still a cool thing. Like being published in Love & Heartbreak (with 499 other six-word memoirists), it's not big - but it's a step.

Debating the prudence of going to read some of my "work" on Thursday night. Want to support The Sheeve in his new endeavor as a Slam Master, but I'm not too sure that standing up in front of a bunch of strangers and sharing my heart would be wise right now. In related news, those of you checking into POLW may be happy to know I'll soon having something new to post. :)

Loving the new way to list my friend's blogs and being able to have an automatically updated menu for me to check out as soon as I look at the list on my own blog. For those of you who have not posted in the last month - get writing. And for those of you who haven't posted in over 5 months (Pastor Steve!) - shame on you! I do hope that you all check out each other's stuff. I don't list just anyone on my blog, ya know. That's reserved for special people.

That's all for now. Feeling really out of it, but I know that's my fault. And am fortunately learning to separate how I think and feel about reality from reality itself. WYFINAWIR!

Stalled

I'm at the place right now where I'm in a good mood, missing my friends and activities, having ideas for several different things, and yet knowing I'm not finished with pursuing solitude. I've been struggling with where to start in finding out what healthy love is for me. I want it to be a scriptural, prayerful journey. Not an assimilation of someone else's ideas and theology, or my own concoction based on some random thoughts and warm fuzzies. Because I want a solid foundation to build on, something that's going to last when I go "back" to my life.

In other news, I found a brochure I designed for a women's retreat I was going to lead back in '06. The retreat never happened, but the pull to still do it is there. Hmmm...

beLOVED

I should probably save this for tomorrow - who knows if I'll have anything to post then? But it is on my heart now, so here we go...

Last night I had a dream about my community. Amongst the various oddities (like Steven Spielberg coming to do a documentary about Food For Thought, and hearing Don give a message with sound effects), there was something that struck a chord with me, since it has been on my mind quite a lot.

In the dream, Don stands up and starts to talk to a room full of white suburbanites, and the message is one of those fluffy things that are supposed to be in-your-face. That sentence alone (plus my comment above about sound effects, and the next detail I'm going to give) should tell you this was not an accurate representation of Don. Amid the dream-Don's talk, where he kept intentionally repeating words - "gift-gift", "thank-thank", "neighbor-neighbor" (Mr. Rogers with a goatee and a speech impediment?) - was the implication that we don't do enough to show we care about each other. We don't go out of our way to love each other and show gratitude.

"When was the last time you took a few minutes and wrote out a note to thank-thank someone for what they've done for you?"

Not a message about thank-you notes for gifts or hospitality but one about randomly but purposefully carving out time to show gratitude.

I don't know if the real Don (please stand up) would ever give a message like this, but in my dream I stood up and confronted Don. Then I walked out.

Why? Well, here's where I first want to draw the line between acknowledging one of my "issues" and telling you this is not me asking for anything. OK?

Alright... so, I have this thing inside me that constantly hungers for approval. I horde the notes I get from people that feed this hunger. In my nightstand, in fact, is a little card my friend Emily wrote me a couple of years ago. I get it out and read it every now and then. I know I am not alone in this. (This being other people hording notes, not specifically notes from Emily. That would be kinda weird.)

Because this is how I love to be loved, I have tried now and then to send messages of my own (via snail mail, preferrably, but through all kinds of ways) to encourage, appreciate and connect. You know - the whole "do unto others" thing. I try hard, as well, to gift people with something meaningful.

Please understand I'm not trying to toot my own horn. I'm neither consistent nor perfect in this gratitude thing. My point is that - again, I am NOT asking for anything - that I rarely see others do the same. We give love the way we prefer to be loved, right? Hmmm... not always. Sometimes, we take the easy way out. Because the way we prefer to be loved seems a little high-maintenance at the moment. Or awkward. Or random. Or . . . whatever.

Do you know what the name Amanda means? It's Latin for "worthy of love", "beloved", "she who must be loved". It's... been a struggle for many years not to see my name as a joke. (Beyond the Amanda Huggenkiss, Amanda-Panda, and Amanda has Faith in Moore jokes.) Because, for right or wrong, I have not felt loved. What's more, I have not felt worthy of love.

In my journey now to get a right understanding of what love really is and to completely remove worth out of the equation, I would rather use my name to do something and focus on others. Rather than be constantly focused on me and my love-lorn state.

So here's an idea. Pick someone in your life. Take few minutes and write them a note. Doesn't have to be flowery or eloquent or novel-length, just genuine. Send it to them. Maybe you sign it, maybe you don't. Maybe you use notebook paper, maybe you use fancy stationery, maybe you send it in a card with a picture of Obama in a tutu on the front. Whatever. The important thing is you did it, expecting nothing in return.

I think . . . if I would be beloved, it would be because I can be loving without wanting anything in return.

Back in the Saddle

OK, that is a very uncomfortable phrase right now. Even being "back in the office chair" is not fun. But still better than yesterday, even if I was home all day. I cannot go through more than one day sitting in front of the TV. It just feels so... wrong. What a waste of time.

Before this turns into a blog about me complaining about how I feel or all the trivial miscellany of my life . . . my copy of Etz Hayim came today! Yay! I now have an authentic Jewish commentary to help me study. I also received BNL's Snacktime! CD, which promises to be all kinds of childish fun, and another book... a gift. And I'm going to have a hard time waiting nearly a month to give it.

But back to Etz Hayim. I am a long way from being a serious student of the Torah; indeed, I have much to learn about how to study, not to mention the lifelong process of studying Torah itself. Past the excitement over getting the commentary is the weight of what the undertaking of studying means, the hope of how it will help Torah change me, and the coming joy I will have to share with some of my friends who are also on their own journeys through the Jewish roots of our faith.

Perhaps... in learning to love Torah I can learn to love myself and others. Very sweet stuff.

Oh, and... check this out!

Quickie

Won't be a long post. Finding it very uncomfortable to sit in my office chair.

Surgery went well, I guess. I have a follow-up with the doc in about a month. Had a hard time with the anaesthesia - nausea, etc. - and took today off of work. Too groggy to drive, too uncomfortable to sit for any decent length of time, can't lift over 10 pounds. My throat is sore, too, from the tube they put down it. Ug. Didn't know to expect that at all. Guess it's better I didn't.

I'm missing everyone terribly right now, but part of that is just being cooped up and bored. I'm so done with sleeping right now, but I'm not interested in anything else. I suppose I should write my penpals back since I've got the extra time, but I'm so restless.

Hoping to be back to normal VERY soon.

P.S. I Love Crying

Surgery for tomorrow was moved to 11:30, so I have to be in there at 9:30. This necessitates me taking a full day of vacation for it, which I find very irritating, considering I specifically asked for an afternoon procedure so I wouldn't have to use a vacation day.

A little nervous about it, but it's a simple thing and is just an outpatient surgery, so I'm sure I'll be fine. I think I'm more worried about how I'll feel afterwards - sensitivity and all that. But this is necessary, and I hope it provides some answers and also gives some relief in the future.

In the emotional arena, I watched P.S. I Love You last night and cried as usual. Nice to note this was the first time I spent more of the time watching it and crying over the story for the sake of the story and less time crying over the story because of my own issues.

I did, however, find myself finding quite a lot of similarities between Swank's character and myself - at least her emotional ride through the film. The odd thing is, she was grieving the death of her husband. But what am I grieving over?

Ladies, enjoy the pic of Gerard. I know I do. :o)

What is Love?

OK, before you starting bobbing your head like a Butabi brother at the Roxbury, let me dig into what's going on in my head... (don't worry, it's not that deep!)

The last few days have been interesting. This self-imposed withdrawal from my usual activities (and the less usual ones that frequently pop up) has left me with a lot more quiet in which to think over things. And while I've still had some woe-is-me moments, my angst over - oh, heck, over nearly everything - has slackened dramatically.

I guess I could liken it to a fast. For me, when fasting food, the gnawing of hunger reminds me to pray, be more mindful of God, be thankful for many things (not the least of which is the blessing of being able to eat whenever I am hungry). In this solitude I am starting to pursue (I say starting because I've yet to be very purposeful with my time), whenever I think of communicating in my usual way - emails, calls, facebook updates - the reminder of my current status that immediately follows serves to help me think more about what I am doing and why it's needed.

I won't go over everything I've been thinking (quite frankly, I can't remember it all), but two things seem very important now. One is a goal, the other a question I need to answer - both very worth pursuing.

My goal: that 2009 be my personal Year of Jubilee. There are many things in my life I want "fixed", but of all the things I desire for myself, freedom is the most important. I want to either throw off the shackles of unworthiness, fear, despair, bitterness... or be significantly closer to having filed through them. I think a key (no pun intended) line of thought for this is . . .

My question: what is love? I don't think I know what it is, what it looks like, how to show it/receive it in a healthy way. I'm not sure yet how to find my answer, but I have the benefit of knowing God is the source. I realize answering this question is a life-long pursuit - I guess you could say I am also answering the question, "Who is God?" - yet I think there is a sort of line that needs crossed between total confusion (where I am now) and operational clarity (where I can be with the people I care about and be focused on them).

As always, if you have anything you want to share with me, have at it. It's most welcome.

Poured Out Like Water

I know the title is a little long, but I've started another blog to complement this one.

Everlasting Splendors is not going away, but it has been a sort of grab bag of posts regarding thoughts, feelings and random things. It's a journal of sorts, but not terribly focused (beyond being focused on me).

Poured Out Like Water will be very simple. Personal psalms and prayers, plus any praises or counted blessings. If I stumble on something particularly poignant to me in my journey, I will post it. Otherwise, POLW is meant soley as a chronicle of my interaction with God. I invite you into that interaction - comments and feedback are always welcome - but my purpose not about getting attention as much as hoping to connect. Myself with God, myself with you, and - if at all possible - you with God.

Moving from Loneliness to Solitude

Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

- May Sarton

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by any affection. Keep your solitude. The day, if it ever comes, when you are given true affection there will be no opposition between interior solitude and friendship, quite the reverse. It is even by this infallible sign that you will recognize it.

- Simone Weil

It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers. The more solitary I am the more affection I have for them…. Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not for what they say.

- Thomas Merton

Solitude is something you choose. Loneliness is imposed on you by others . . . . We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. Some solitude is essential; It gives us time to explore and know ourselves. It is the necessary counterpoint to intimacy, what allows us to have a self worthy of sharing. Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life.

- Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today

Not much to say right now. At first, I dreaded my decision to withdraw and worried about being disconnected. Certainly not being able to check my phone and find a couple of text messages through facebook feels weird. There was a sort of digital silence that descended immediately when I deactivated my fb account. Now that I've adjusted back to pre-fb life, however, I find it more welcome than I expected.

My announcement - made only on here and to those individuals I already had plans with - has met with some consternation and a lot of doubt on the wisdom of my actions. As over 24 hours have progressed in my choice, though, I have moved from a vague urging that this is the right thing to do right now to a more concrete purpose. In thinking it over on my drive to work today, I concluded the best term for my action is "embracing solitude".

I can't afford to take a retreat right now, and I don't have the luxury of locking myself in a room somewhere, so this is my next best solution. There is the temptation to squander the extra time I'll have, both in business and laziness, and also the impulse to try to fix everything at once. My first priority, though, is to pray. And then to study. Whatever that leads to is fine. I'd like to hope it will provide some direction or, at the least, some new foundational understanding of myself. But que sera, sera - and that will be good enough. Perhaps even great.

One Step

I'm afraid I've alarmed some good friends recently with my behavior. Not to say that it was an unfounded fear - I've had some pretty dark moments in the last couple of months - but I do feel bad that I've caused so much concern.

I keep coming back around to the same things, but every spiral that moves towards happiness then arcs back around to despair gets smaller and I sink lower. In thinking over my "issues", my felt needs and my behavior, I came to the conclusion last night that the most healthy thing for me to do is to purposefully withdraw. I use the word purposefully here because one of my trademark moves when wrestling my moods is to step back; however, it is more reactionary than "proactionary". So I am resigning from serving on the board (and in general) for Food For Thought, temporarily dropping out of church (not that I was there much anyway) and agape meal, and stepping back for a while on my "hanging out" activities. (Hmmm... may be able to save some money now, too...) I've also deactivated my facebook account.

Conventional wisdom would say withdrawing is an unhealthy choice, but I think conventional is out the window right now. I know my friends love me. I know, to some extent, I serve a kind of purpose in my roles and relationships. I know most people will not understand my choice and some will feel I am rejecting them, which I do regret. But part of this is stopping my habit of doing what I think others feel I should do, and do what I think is right. So, I'm truly sorry if you're upset with me, but I believe I'm doing both of us a favor.

The most painful thing about temporarily withdrawing from my relationships is not knowing what's going on in others' lives (not being plugged in via facebook has already frustrated me). Hard to be there for people when they need you if you don't know they need you. But then, nobody really needs me. There is nothing I can say or do that someone else can't say or do as well - or better. The vast majority of my friends are friends with each other and, being that they're all amazing people, they will take care of each other well. That gives me some peace.

I will start counseling soon. The person comes highly recommended. I wish I could say I was looking forward to what this means - that I am pleasantly anticipating getting better - but I am honestly dreading the process. I cannot, in good conscience, "do away with myself"; therefore, this is what I must do to cease being the basket case I am fast becoming and move towards being a mentally healthy, mature, reliable, and - hoping against hope here - godly woman. And to learn to love without attaching strings. Yes, especially that last one: cease being a puppet of my own feelings and trying to make others puppets to my moods as well. God, I know how it feels to be subject to another person's moods - didn't I exist for 11 years being the target of someone else's temper tantrums?

Hence me taking a "relational hiatus" right now: I realize I have become (or am becoming - it would be nice to think I'm not that far gone yet) the type of person who manipulates others with her emotions. I sincerely want to cease my attempts to skew every relationship, every situation, every conversation, every moment in my direction. I know I am not the center of the universe: now I will learn to behave in that knowledge.

At some point, perhaps sooner than even I expect, that may mean entering back into the community I have called mine (and have tried too hard to make into my own idea of community based on what I want and need) for the last three+ years and trying my hand at serving the people I love very much. But right now there needs to be some break between where I've been and where I want to go. I cannot think of any other way to turn myself around than to remove my addiction to getting attention from other people.

Book Exchange

I had a lovely dinner with Mitch & Sue Magdich last night, enjoyed Sue's homemade-from-scratch cheescake and their company. It was good to reconnect with them. I see the Magdiches on a regular basis but still was missing them. Know what I mean?

The subject of reading eventually came up in our conversation, which was interesting because it's just been in the past few days that I've been starving for something new to read. What used to be a regular diet of thoughtful books - new finds and old favorites - has become something of a rarity for me. My family can attest to the hundreds of books I used to have... on shelves, on tables, on nightstands, on my bedroom floor, in my car, my purse, visiting the homes of friends. "Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.'"

My collection now is small and meager, sad to say. However, I will be updating my library on Facebook (and on librarything.com), and here is why I've tagged you/emailed you this post: You, my friend, are welcome to any book I have listed (except for my Bible - I kinda need that).

The desire is to remember what I learned from the fire: though I cherish books (and other possessions), I am not rich until I can freely give of what I love. What I have is yours to borrow for the asking.

This, of course, is a coin with another side. I'm hoping some of you will open your own libraries up to me so I may borrow one book a month from any given person and thereby enrich myself.

I have "borrowed" a book from someone for nearly a year now. I will finish it up by the end of February and get started on another come March. I figure a month is a reasonable time to borrow most any book.

In the end, I hope this also leads to great conversations as I compare notes and share thoughts over a book with my friends.

Let me know if you're interested in mingling libraries!

Best Laid Plans

This is from my journal, an entry almost two years old (April 10, 2007), but I have slowly been adding other thoughts to it - the page is crazy with scribbles in all directions in the margins - and I think now is as good a time as any to pull it all together into a blog post. The timing is rather relevant to a discussion I had a couple weeks ago with Bre in which we touched on God's plans for us and purpose, and our Torah Portions group has talked about it before.

So, without further ado (because for what in the world do any of us need more ado?)...

I don't care it it means my tastes are common: I love C.S. Lewis. The Chronicles will always have a special place in my heart.

One of the ideas that has stuck with me from the Chronicles is that we are not to know what might have been if we'd chosen a different path. And with Don Miller's speech regarding story very much in my thoughts, here is what is going on between my ears...

For a long time, I have lived with the impression (how or when I received it, or from whom, I don't know) that God made me for one shining purpose, and I had to seek out His will for my life so I could fulfill it. This quest sounds noble and romantic, but it's incomplete. Worse yet, it's deceptive. Not in the sense that the idea of living to glorify God is wrong, but in the sense there is one specific path to take.

I have wasted a lot of time thinking my quest was an absolute, and living in fear of making wrong or selfish choices based on what I wanted. I also need to get over the fear that I've already made the wrong choices and I'm doomed to a life of mediocrity because I screwed up God's plot.

The truth is that choices shape plot, taking it in different directions and writing the story forward. Even not choosing is a choice, but it leads to a stalled story. I'm all for the "be still and know that I am God" part of faith - waiting and trusting is important - but there's a big difference between being still and being stagnant. Stagnancy breeds the potential for illness - standing water becomes foul.

Ever since I became aware of mikvahs and their significance (and how interesting it is that mikvah is also a word for hope?), the idea of moving water meaning living water has intrigued me.

The existence of a mikvah is considered so important in Orthodox Judaism, that an Orthodox community is required to construct a mikvah before building a synagogue, and must go to the extreme of selling Torah scrolls or even a synagogue if necessary, to provide funding for the construction.
-- Berlin, Meshib Dabar, 2:45

While I would love to delve more just into the importance of the mikvah, I will just leave it at this - how beautiful the thought of being a mikvah.

Back to story, choices, and plans... Part of the problem is we quote Jeremiah 29:11 too often - as a comfort, an excuse, a brain-washing mantra, etc. Beyond the issue of taking the verse out of its context, there is the automatic assumption of God's plan being specific (and for this side of the veil). But all of the intentions listed are vaguely benevolent, what you would expect a loving God to say to anyone.

While I'll never know what might have been if I'd been bolder and more ambitious earlier on in my life, I am still faced with choices that will either propel me toward following the desires of my heart or continue to hold me back.

Still, despite all this that I think... I want to be meant for something, to have specific purpose. A destiny of my own. But why do I want this, beyond this longing that nearly everyone I've ever met shares with me? Perhaps I want to be told who I am because it's easier than discovering my identity myself. Being told removes doubt, removes free will, removes risk. And removes the ultimate purpose underlying the personal purpose.

Of course, there's also the question of what the desires of my heart are... and the fears that are holding me back. To be continued...

Refresher

In cleaning out my email inbox, I stumbled across my response to my wonderful friend Tana who was looking for some feedback on some ideas she had regarding a course she'd been requested to help develop. I think Tana learned her lesson in asking me for feedback, because I vomited all the stuff below back to her. In my defense, it was nearly midnight after a long day. However, there is some stuff in here that has some merit (mostly quotes from Bonhoeffer!) and that has encouraged me today, so close on the heels of a very serious bout of depression. All that being said... hope you can get something out of this, AND, if you feel so led, your reciprocal thoughts are always welcome!

I keep running into the same questions every time I hear "love your neighbor as yourself"... "What is loving yourself? What does that look like? How do I get there?" I think there's a lot of confusion on that.

My take (where God seems to be taking me) is we erroneously have the idea that love = worth. Worth may have a bit part in love, but it's not the whole thing. Kinda like Ohio is part of the USA, but the USA is not just Ohio. (Of course, like Ohio, the "loving yourself" attitude in most Christians - especially women - seems to be a swing state.

So the problems we have loving ourselves because of ...weight, appearance, emotional hangups, worries about incompetency, past failures/hurts, etc.... are all things that boil down to "I'm not worthy because..." I think this is a very clever ploy by our Adversary to get us distracted by non-issues* that keep us from recognizing the truth.

The truth? The truth is that love is not something we can fabricate of our own will.

Let me work backward through those questions I listed above...

"How do I get there?" We know through experience and teaching that our Christian walk is no formula. The idea that we can achieve loving ourselves (and, by proxy, loving our neighbor) through a 12-step program of biblical principles? Hogwash. The "biblical principles" may exist as verses that guideline how to be in right relationship with God & other people (Torah), but we know that to take and apply them as a formula (usually separate from the rest of the guidelines) might be effective in making us nice people and give us some experiences we can pat ourselves on the backs with, but really don't offer much in the way of the heart-change that signals love.

"What does that look like?" What does love look like? If we know that loving someone (spouse, child, parent, friend) means we have compassion for them, we're kind to them, we take care of them when they need us, we sacrifice for them, we encourage them, we discipline them (rebuke, gentle nudge, whatever), we forgive them when they hurt us, we grieve with them, we rejoice with them, we give thanks for them and to them... then why should the list be any different for us? This means we realize we're not perfect (compassion), we treat ourselves with dignity (kindness), we give ourselves opportunities to heal (taking care), we give up what's not healthy or is prohibiting growth (sacrifice), we look for the good God's put in us (encourage), we repent from sin (discipline), we admit failure, learn and move on (forgive), we mourn loss (grieve), we recognize progress (rejoice), we give praise for everyday we have to be ourselves in Christ (thanks).

"What is loving myself?" We intentionally enter into community with ourselves. I know that sounds weird, but I think it really does fit. In talking with Don and reading Bonhoeffer's Life Together, the idea that we need to give others grace to be who they are without our expectations for their behavior (especially towards us) is the cornerstone for really being open to loving them. So, as the created children of God on equal footing with everyone else, why do we not give ourselves grace to be? Now, I'm not advocating that we have no standards/principles, just as I know that if someone came to agape meal and was abusive physically/verbally to the others, Don and the guys would draw them aside or deal with the issue somehow. I guess what I'm hitting at here is kinda the "you're not the judge" idea you already have in your notes, Tana.

Bonhoeffer writes, "...the goal of all Christian community: they meet one another as bringers of the message of salvation." How can we be bringers of the message of salvation (love our neighbor) if we cannot believe we are saved (love ourselves)? He continues, "...the community of Christians springs solely from the Biblical and Reformation message of of the justification of man through grace alone..." And here is where I come to the crux of my thoughts: if community is based on grace and its goal is to share this grace as good news and this grace is completely dependent on God as His gift, then we need to recognize that love - for ourselves and our neighbors - is also not ours to generate. I think this brings freedom - freedom from the burden of trying to feel loving in order to love as we are commanded.

Think about it - we are justified by grace alone. Our worthiness/unworthiness has nothing to do with it. That means we are free from trying to earn it/keep it. God will still love me even if I never lose a pound. Who am I to say that's not good enough?

Or... We are the created, not the creators. Since God is love (1 John 4:8), and we didn't create God, than we can't create love.

Bonhoeffer talks about human love and spiritual love. There's a lot of great stuff in that section, but here's a good summary of what I'm trying to get at:

"Human love constructs its own image of the ... person, of what he is and what he should become. It takes the life of the ... person into its own hands. Spiritual love recognizes the true image of the ... person which he has received from Jesus Christ; the images that Jesus Christ himself embodied and would stamp upon all men."

These last few weeks where I've been with God every morning and evening have been amazing. And I think one of the main reasons its happening for me now is that I'm simply taking each day as it comes and rejoicing over it. I'm praying that I'll never let go of this again, but I'm not worrying over the next day. I'm just thankful for my daily bread. This same attitude has soaked into the way I feel about myself. I have good moments and bad moments, but for the most part, I'm just thankful I'm God's. The idea that all I am and all I have is His is incredibly liberating and has allowed me to put aside the temptation to accept how I feel as the truth of where I stand with God; rather, taking up my cross each day to follow Him instead of carrying my own burdens is much easier. Just as he promised. :)

And so I'll wrap up with the verse that has brought so much comfort and given me so much to praise God for...

Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give
you rest."

Amen!

*And by "non-issues" here, I mean that these things all need to be dealt with but loving yourself can come BEFORE all this stuff is taken care of. For instance, I'm still fat and not happy about that, but it's not preventing me from enjoying the freedom God has given me through the truth of his love.

Thoughts

This is what I've been thinking about between yesterday and today.

You know what? Never mind. Because I'm going to get one or two responses that tell me I shouldn't feel that way, that will tell me I'm special or try to reason with me. But it's all bunk. Seriously.

I don't doubt you are smarter than I am, but I can't imagine you have anything new to say that I haven't used before to cheer myself up. The arguments are stale and flat. There's no life to them. Most likely because they're not true.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of subscribing to the fallacy that each of us is unique, that we all contribute something special. No offense to you. You are all amazing people. But not everyone is. The fact is, anyone could do what I do. And probably better. So let me make room for them.

Oh, wait. You want to use the line of reasoning that I do think I'm special because I'm trying to say that everyone else is except for me. Well, no. Not really. I think there are some other folks out there just as expendable as me. There are over 6 billion people on the planet, with thousands dying needlessly everyday. You want to tell me how great and loving God is when some people don't ever have a chance to live? And then He makes people like me who have no end of the necessities of life, but can't seem to rise above and actually do something with themselves. I think that either He doesn't listen to me anymore or He never did in the first place.

No, I'm so done with clinging to a hope that's disappointed me over and over again.

I don't doubt you. I know you care. I appreciate that you came to my birthday dinner. And for those that couldn't be there but have invested so much into me, thanks. I'm sorry it's been a waste.

I don't want calls or emails. I know it seems that posting this is a call for attention. Yeah, I know I'm a whore in that regard. But this time, I just want to dump. I don't want sympathy or hugs or anything else. I want to be left alone.

I will do what I need to do. I'll keep going through the motions. But I'm tired of making excuses for myself. For God. For other people. It's all a big waste. At least on my part.

Random Thoughts, The Sequel

In no particular order, here are some issues that have concerned me lately...

• Imitation Crabmeat. It's kosher, so there's obviously no crab in it, which then begs the question of how "they" make it look and taste like crab. And was there a huge Jewish demand for imitation crabmeat that necessitated its creation? If so, how did Jewish people know they wanted imitation crabmeat if they'd never tasted crab? Sinners!


• How negative can you be before you're considered a pessimist? I suppose this is relative - Johnny hates the rain because it ruined his picnic, Susie loves it because it makes flowers grow, so Johnny is the pessimist here; however, Johnny is an optimist compared to Fred, who just plain hates rain. I wonder this because of a discussion I recently participated in where I guess I came across as a pessimist. But when I go home and listen to a very dear relation of mine, I feel like freaking Pollyanna . . . well, until I listen long enough to start looking for the dull razor blades.


• OK, this is going to come across as complaining. Maybe it is. I don't care. I just really want to know why I often see very attractive/pretty/sometimes beautiful women with average- or below average-looking guys, but I very, very rarely see the opposite.


• What makes kosher salt kosher?


• Hairless cats. Why? Seriously. Remove the hair, remove the chance of finding the cat remotely desirable of petting, adoring, etc.


• People always want to ask G-d questions, like "Why is there pain and suffering in the world You created?" But I think G-d would frequently like to ask us, "What the heck were you thinking?!"


• I miss my grandma.


• Why do we wait until people are dead to say how much we cared about them, how much we respect/admire them, how special they were? We all need to hear it NOW.


• If it's not aging that bothers you, what's up with not celebrating your birthday? It's the one day in the year where you're excused for making it all about you!


• Why are bunnies so dang cute?


• I need more... gumption/moxie. Know where I can get some?