Book Exchange

I had a lovely dinner with Mitch & Sue Magdich last night, enjoyed Sue's homemade-from-scratch cheescake and their company. It was good to reconnect with them. I see the Magdiches on a regular basis but still was missing them. Know what I mean?

The subject of reading eventually came up in our conversation, which was interesting because it's just been in the past few days that I've been starving for something new to read. What used to be a regular diet of thoughtful books - new finds and old favorites - has become something of a rarity for me. My family can attest to the hundreds of books I used to have... on shelves, on tables, on nightstands, on my bedroom floor, in my car, my purse, visiting the homes of friends. "Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.'"

My collection now is small and meager, sad to say. However, I will be updating my library on Facebook (and on librarything.com), and here is why I've tagged you/emailed you this post: You, my friend, are welcome to any book I have listed (except for my Bible - I kinda need that).

The desire is to remember what I learned from the fire: though I cherish books (and other possessions), I am not rich until I can freely give of what I love. What I have is yours to borrow for the asking.

This, of course, is a coin with another side. I'm hoping some of you will open your own libraries up to me so I may borrow one book a month from any given person and thereby enrich myself.

I have "borrowed" a book from someone for nearly a year now. I will finish it up by the end of February and get started on another come March. I figure a month is a reasonable time to borrow most any book.

In the end, I hope this also leads to great conversations as I compare notes and share thoughts over a book with my friends.

Let me know if you're interested in mingling libraries!

Best Laid Plans

This is from my journal, an entry almost two years old (April 10, 2007), but I have slowly been adding other thoughts to it - the page is crazy with scribbles in all directions in the margins - and I think now is as good a time as any to pull it all together into a blog post. The timing is rather relevant to a discussion I had a couple weeks ago with Bre in which we touched on God's plans for us and purpose, and our Torah Portions group has talked about it before.

So, without further ado (because for what in the world do any of us need more ado?)...

I don't care it it means my tastes are common: I love C.S. Lewis. The Chronicles will always have a special place in my heart.

One of the ideas that has stuck with me from the Chronicles is that we are not to know what might have been if we'd chosen a different path. And with Don Miller's speech regarding story very much in my thoughts, here is what is going on between my ears...

For a long time, I have lived with the impression (how or when I received it, or from whom, I don't know) that God made me for one shining purpose, and I had to seek out His will for my life so I could fulfill it. This quest sounds noble and romantic, but it's incomplete. Worse yet, it's deceptive. Not in the sense that the idea of living to glorify God is wrong, but in the sense there is one specific path to take.

I have wasted a lot of time thinking my quest was an absolute, and living in fear of making wrong or selfish choices based on what I wanted. I also need to get over the fear that I've already made the wrong choices and I'm doomed to a life of mediocrity because I screwed up God's plot.

The truth is that choices shape plot, taking it in different directions and writing the story forward. Even not choosing is a choice, but it leads to a stalled story. I'm all for the "be still and know that I am God" part of faith - waiting and trusting is important - but there's a big difference between being still and being stagnant. Stagnancy breeds the potential for illness - standing water becomes foul.

Ever since I became aware of mikvahs and their significance (and how interesting it is that mikvah is also a word for hope?), the idea of moving water meaning living water has intrigued me.

The existence of a mikvah is considered so important in Orthodox Judaism, that an Orthodox community is required to construct a mikvah before building a synagogue, and must go to the extreme of selling Torah scrolls or even a synagogue if necessary, to provide funding for the construction.
-- Berlin, Meshib Dabar, 2:45

While I would love to delve more just into the importance of the mikvah, I will just leave it at this - how beautiful the thought of being a mikvah.

Back to story, choices, and plans... Part of the problem is we quote Jeremiah 29:11 too often - as a comfort, an excuse, a brain-washing mantra, etc. Beyond the issue of taking the verse out of its context, there is the automatic assumption of God's plan being specific (and for this side of the veil). But all of the intentions listed are vaguely benevolent, what you would expect a loving God to say to anyone.

While I'll never know what might have been if I'd been bolder and more ambitious earlier on in my life, I am still faced with choices that will either propel me toward following the desires of my heart or continue to hold me back.

Still, despite all this that I think... I want to be meant for something, to have specific purpose. A destiny of my own. But why do I want this, beyond this longing that nearly everyone I've ever met shares with me? Perhaps I want to be told who I am because it's easier than discovering my identity myself. Being told removes doubt, removes free will, removes risk. And removes the ultimate purpose underlying the personal purpose.

Of course, there's also the question of what the desires of my heart are... and the fears that are holding me back. To be continued...

Refresher

In cleaning out my email inbox, I stumbled across my response to my wonderful friend Tana who was looking for some feedback on some ideas she had regarding a course she'd been requested to help develop. I think Tana learned her lesson in asking me for feedback, because I vomited all the stuff below back to her. In my defense, it was nearly midnight after a long day. However, there is some stuff in here that has some merit (mostly quotes from Bonhoeffer!) and that has encouraged me today, so close on the heels of a very serious bout of depression. All that being said... hope you can get something out of this, AND, if you feel so led, your reciprocal thoughts are always welcome!

I keep running into the same questions every time I hear "love your neighbor as yourself"... "What is loving yourself? What does that look like? How do I get there?" I think there's a lot of confusion on that.

My take (where God seems to be taking me) is we erroneously have the idea that love = worth. Worth may have a bit part in love, but it's not the whole thing. Kinda like Ohio is part of the USA, but the USA is not just Ohio. (Of course, like Ohio, the "loving yourself" attitude in most Christians - especially women - seems to be a swing state.

So the problems we have loving ourselves because of ...weight, appearance, emotional hangups, worries about incompetency, past failures/hurts, etc.... are all things that boil down to "I'm not worthy because..." I think this is a very clever ploy by our Adversary to get us distracted by non-issues* that keep us from recognizing the truth.

The truth? The truth is that love is not something we can fabricate of our own will.

Let me work backward through those questions I listed above...

"How do I get there?" We know through experience and teaching that our Christian walk is no formula. The idea that we can achieve loving ourselves (and, by proxy, loving our neighbor) through a 12-step program of biblical principles? Hogwash. The "biblical principles" may exist as verses that guideline how to be in right relationship with God & other people (Torah), but we know that to take and apply them as a formula (usually separate from the rest of the guidelines) might be effective in making us nice people and give us some experiences we can pat ourselves on the backs with, but really don't offer much in the way of the heart-change that signals love.

"What does that look like?" What does love look like? If we know that loving someone (spouse, child, parent, friend) means we have compassion for them, we're kind to them, we take care of them when they need us, we sacrifice for them, we encourage them, we discipline them (rebuke, gentle nudge, whatever), we forgive them when they hurt us, we grieve with them, we rejoice with them, we give thanks for them and to them... then why should the list be any different for us? This means we realize we're not perfect (compassion), we treat ourselves with dignity (kindness), we give ourselves opportunities to heal (taking care), we give up what's not healthy or is prohibiting growth (sacrifice), we look for the good God's put in us (encourage), we repent from sin (discipline), we admit failure, learn and move on (forgive), we mourn loss (grieve), we recognize progress (rejoice), we give praise for everyday we have to be ourselves in Christ (thanks).

"What is loving myself?" We intentionally enter into community with ourselves. I know that sounds weird, but I think it really does fit. In talking with Don and reading Bonhoeffer's Life Together, the idea that we need to give others grace to be who they are without our expectations for their behavior (especially towards us) is the cornerstone for really being open to loving them. So, as the created children of God on equal footing with everyone else, why do we not give ourselves grace to be? Now, I'm not advocating that we have no standards/principles, just as I know that if someone came to agape meal and was abusive physically/verbally to the others, Don and the guys would draw them aside or deal with the issue somehow. I guess what I'm hitting at here is kinda the "you're not the judge" idea you already have in your notes, Tana.

Bonhoeffer writes, "...the goal of all Christian community: they meet one another as bringers of the message of salvation." How can we be bringers of the message of salvation (love our neighbor) if we cannot believe we are saved (love ourselves)? He continues, "...the community of Christians springs solely from the Biblical and Reformation message of of the justification of man through grace alone..." And here is where I come to the crux of my thoughts: if community is based on grace and its goal is to share this grace as good news and this grace is completely dependent on God as His gift, then we need to recognize that love - for ourselves and our neighbors - is also not ours to generate. I think this brings freedom - freedom from the burden of trying to feel loving in order to love as we are commanded.

Think about it - we are justified by grace alone. Our worthiness/unworthiness has nothing to do with it. That means we are free from trying to earn it/keep it. God will still love me even if I never lose a pound. Who am I to say that's not good enough?

Or... We are the created, not the creators. Since God is love (1 John 4:8), and we didn't create God, than we can't create love.

Bonhoeffer talks about human love and spiritual love. There's a lot of great stuff in that section, but here's a good summary of what I'm trying to get at:

"Human love constructs its own image of the ... person, of what he is and what he should become. It takes the life of the ... person into its own hands. Spiritual love recognizes the true image of the ... person which he has received from Jesus Christ; the images that Jesus Christ himself embodied and would stamp upon all men."

These last few weeks where I've been with God every morning and evening have been amazing. And I think one of the main reasons its happening for me now is that I'm simply taking each day as it comes and rejoicing over it. I'm praying that I'll never let go of this again, but I'm not worrying over the next day. I'm just thankful for my daily bread. This same attitude has soaked into the way I feel about myself. I have good moments and bad moments, but for the most part, I'm just thankful I'm God's. The idea that all I am and all I have is His is incredibly liberating and has allowed me to put aside the temptation to accept how I feel as the truth of where I stand with God; rather, taking up my cross each day to follow Him instead of carrying my own burdens is much easier. Just as he promised. :)

And so I'll wrap up with the verse that has brought so much comfort and given me so much to praise God for...

Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give
you rest."

Amen!

*And by "non-issues" here, I mean that these things all need to be dealt with but loving yourself can come BEFORE all this stuff is taken care of. For instance, I'm still fat and not happy about that, but it's not preventing me from enjoying the freedom God has given me through the truth of his love.