I'm Not Worthy

All my life, I have been dogged with the idea of discipline and my lack thereof. Holiness. Righteousness. Obedience. These are all good things. But the ideas of them have sat in judgement of me. I have felt so condemned for so long.

They echo a theme in my life. I am not good enough. I have to try harder. If I only loved God more, than I would obey him more.

Where is the freedom to be? To let go? Why do we always feel it necessary to remind ourselves and each other of why God is merciful? To "temper" his compassion with the reason for it - that we are not worthy. It is for our sakes that God has loved us. Or is it?

I, yes I, am the one who blots out your offenses for my own sake;
I will not remember your sins.
- Isaiah 43:25, emphasis mine

I mentioned a couple of posts ago the meaning of my name, Amanda - beloved, worthy to be loved, lovable - and that I have thought it a cruel joke for a long time. (I will spare you the reiteration of why.) The truth is I have been waiting for some official validation, someone to disclose my redeeming quality that would justify my existence. I could point to it or name it and immediately self-confidence would flow through me and the person I was proving myself to would then acknowledge my worthiness. Maybe even be in jealous awe.

But what if I lost my redeeming quality? Or what if it got tarnished or fell out of fashion? What if I met someone who had the same one - but better? Or someone who just didn't like it?

I have, by the way, lived this out so many times. I make these laundry lists of why people might like me and I invariably cannot measure up in the end. Or the part of me that I tried to make the whole basis of my worth was rejected. The tailspin from that is uncontrollable.

And I am tired of cataloguing everything. My faults. My sins. Reasons why my friends might love me.

"By loving me you have made me lovable."
- St. Augustine

I have wanted that to be true from so many sources - parents, friends, colleagues, crushes - and have repeatedly rejected the one constant, unconditional, immovable, and proven source.

All I have to know is that God loves me. I don't have to know why. I cannot know why. Because God is love, and who can fully wrap their minds around God?

God does not love me for my potential. God does not love the me I want to be. Or think I should be.

God LOVES me as I am now.

God loves ME as I am now.

God loves me as I am NOW.

Jesus is my redeeming quality. Jesus living in me, through me.

I've balked so long the idea of "finding my identity in Christ". It sounds so . . . Borgish. Like I'm to be a Jesus clone with no personality and no desires/dreams of my own. But...

1. Do I really believe Jesus was bland and boring?
2. Do I really believe the God that made me me at this time, in this place, with my experiences and personality would then turn around and not use this material, raw as it is?

The freedom of Jesus being my redeeming quality (and all my other awesomeness being icing on the cake) - it's 180 degrees from what I've thought mattered for so long. The pressure of trying to be someone else and the pressure of making myself appear worthy - God or no God, for those of you who think I've gone off the Jesus deep end - is blessedly lessening.

In this, too, I am coming to realize that I may always care what other people think of me, much as I would love to drop that immediately. But I am learning to not care as much. And also learning the joy of that old Sunday School song - "O, how I love Jesus because he first loved me."

Oh, It's a Beautiful Morning...

Doing pretty good, if you couldn't tell from the title.

Friday night saw me taking the little sis to FFT and then over to the Tent City volunteer dinner thing. A little too much too soon - I started to feel overwhelmed and struggled with slipping back into the destructive thinking patterns that chase me out of being in community even while in the middle of it. It was, however, very nice to see a bunch of folks, collect on some hugs, and - though awkward - try to explain to those who don't read this fabulous blog what's been going on with me.

Saturday was a wash. I felt blah and lazy, and absolutely nothing productive happened, beyond me getting my head back on straight by the end of the day.

Sunday was interesting. Hitched a ride with my dad to go see my uncle in Ashland who has cancer. While in the car, he emails Dad and begs off of the visit - he was having a really bad day. So we ended up going to my step-grandparents and hanging out for the rest of the morning and the afternoon. Another awkward situation, as I haven't been there in about 15 years. Got back around 4, and fought to stay awake until 8.

So, that's the recap of the weekend. In more interesting news, I've designed a desktop wallpaper that I'll be submitting to Smashing Magazine this week. I'll link to it if they end up using it. I don't suppose it will bring me any business or recognition beyond me being able to say my work has been featured in Smashing Magazine. But that's still a cool thing. Like being published in Love & Heartbreak (with 499 other six-word memoirists), it's not big - but it's a step.

Debating the prudence of going to read some of my "work" on Thursday night. Want to support The Sheeve in his new endeavor as a Slam Master, but I'm not too sure that standing up in front of a bunch of strangers and sharing my heart would be wise right now. In related news, those of you checking into POLW may be happy to know I'll soon having something new to post. :)

Loving the new way to list my friend's blogs and being able to have an automatically updated menu for me to check out as soon as I look at the list on my own blog. For those of you who have not posted in the last month - get writing. And for those of you who haven't posted in over 5 months (Pastor Steve!) - shame on you! I do hope that you all check out each other's stuff. I don't list just anyone on my blog, ya know. That's reserved for special people.

That's all for now. Feeling really out of it, but I know that's my fault. And am fortunately learning to separate how I think and feel about reality from reality itself. WYFINAWIR!

Stalled

I'm at the place right now where I'm in a good mood, missing my friends and activities, having ideas for several different things, and yet knowing I'm not finished with pursuing solitude. I've been struggling with where to start in finding out what healthy love is for me. I want it to be a scriptural, prayerful journey. Not an assimilation of someone else's ideas and theology, or my own concoction based on some random thoughts and warm fuzzies. Because I want a solid foundation to build on, something that's going to last when I go "back" to my life.

In other news, I found a brochure I designed for a women's retreat I was going to lead back in '06. The retreat never happened, but the pull to still do it is there. Hmmm...

beLOVED

I should probably save this for tomorrow - who knows if I'll have anything to post then? But it is on my heart now, so here we go...

Last night I had a dream about my community. Amongst the various oddities (like Steven Spielberg coming to do a documentary about Food For Thought, and hearing Don give a message with sound effects), there was something that struck a chord with me, since it has been on my mind quite a lot.

In the dream, Don stands up and starts to talk to a room full of white suburbanites, and the message is one of those fluffy things that are supposed to be in-your-face. That sentence alone (plus my comment above about sound effects, and the next detail I'm going to give) should tell you this was not an accurate representation of Don. Amid the dream-Don's talk, where he kept intentionally repeating words - "gift-gift", "thank-thank", "neighbor-neighbor" (Mr. Rogers with a goatee and a speech impediment?) - was the implication that we don't do enough to show we care about each other. We don't go out of our way to love each other and show gratitude.

"When was the last time you took a few minutes and wrote out a note to thank-thank someone for what they've done for you?"

Not a message about thank-you notes for gifts or hospitality but one about randomly but purposefully carving out time to show gratitude.

I don't know if the real Don (please stand up) would ever give a message like this, but in my dream I stood up and confronted Don. Then I walked out.

Why? Well, here's where I first want to draw the line between acknowledging one of my "issues" and telling you this is not me asking for anything. OK?

Alright... so, I have this thing inside me that constantly hungers for approval. I horde the notes I get from people that feed this hunger. In my nightstand, in fact, is a little card my friend Emily wrote me a couple of years ago. I get it out and read it every now and then. I know I am not alone in this. (This being other people hording notes, not specifically notes from Emily. That would be kinda weird.)

Because this is how I love to be loved, I have tried now and then to send messages of my own (via snail mail, preferrably, but through all kinds of ways) to encourage, appreciate and connect. You know - the whole "do unto others" thing. I try hard, as well, to gift people with something meaningful.

Please understand I'm not trying to toot my own horn. I'm neither consistent nor perfect in this gratitude thing. My point is that - again, I am NOT asking for anything - that I rarely see others do the same. We give love the way we prefer to be loved, right? Hmmm... not always. Sometimes, we take the easy way out. Because the way we prefer to be loved seems a little high-maintenance at the moment. Or awkward. Or random. Or . . . whatever.

Do you know what the name Amanda means? It's Latin for "worthy of love", "beloved", "she who must be loved". It's... been a struggle for many years not to see my name as a joke. (Beyond the Amanda Huggenkiss, Amanda-Panda, and Amanda has Faith in Moore jokes.) Because, for right or wrong, I have not felt loved. What's more, I have not felt worthy of love.

In my journey now to get a right understanding of what love really is and to completely remove worth out of the equation, I would rather use my name to do something and focus on others. Rather than be constantly focused on me and my love-lorn state.

So here's an idea. Pick someone in your life. Take few minutes and write them a note. Doesn't have to be flowery or eloquent or novel-length, just genuine. Send it to them. Maybe you sign it, maybe you don't. Maybe you use notebook paper, maybe you use fancy stationery, maybe you send it in a card with a picture of Obama in a tutu on the front. Whatever. The important thing is you did it, expecting nothing in return.

I think . . . if I would be beloved, it would be because I can be loving without wanting anything in return.

Back in the Saddle

OK, that is a very uncomfortable phrase right now. Even being "back in the office chair" is not fun. But still better than yesterday, even if I was home all day. I cannot go through more than one day sitting in front of the TV. It just feels so... wrong. What a waste of time.

Before this turns into a blog about me complaining about how I feel or all the trivial miscellany of my life . . . my copy of Etz Hayim came today! Yay! I now have an authentic Jewish commentary to help me study. I also received BNL's Snacktime! CD, which promises to be all kinds of childish fun, and another book... a gift. And I'm going to have a hard time waiting nearly a month to give it.

But back to Etz Hayim. I am a long way from being a serious student of the Torah; indeed, I have much to learn about how to study, not to mention the lifelong process of studying Torah itself. Past the excitement over getting the commentary is the weight of what the undertaking of studying means, the hope of how it will help Torah change me, and the coming joy I will have to share with some of my friends who are also on their own journeys through the Jewish roots of our faith.

Perhaps... in learning to love Torah I can learn to love myself and others. Very sweet stuff.

Oh, and... check this out!

Quickie

Won't be a long post. Finding it very uncomfortable to sit in my office chair.

Surgery went well, I guess. I have a follow-up with the doc in about a month. Had a hard time with the anaesthesia - nausea, etc. - and took today off of work. Too groggy to drive, too uncomfortable to sit for any decent length of time, can't lift over 10 pounds. My throat is sore, too, from the tube they put down it. Ug. Didn't know to expect that at all. Guess it's better I didn't.

I'm missing everyone terribly right now, but part of that is just being cooped up and bored. I'm so done with sleeping right now, but I'm not interested in anything else. I suppose I should write my penpals back since I've got the extra time, but I'm so restless.

Hoping to be back to normal VERY soon.

P.S. I Love Crying

Surgery for tomorrow was moved to 11:30, so I have to be in there at 9:30. This necessitates me taking a full day of vacation for it, which I find very irritating, considering I specifically asked for an afternoon procedure so I wouldn't have to use a vacation day.

A little nervous about it, but it's a simple thing and is just an outpatient surgery, so I'm sure I'll be fine. I think I'm more worried about how I'll feel afterwards - sensitivity and all that. But this is necessary, and I hope it provides some answers and also gives some relief in the future.

In the emotional arena, I watched P.S. I Love You last night and cried as usual. Nice to note this was the first time I spent more of the time watching it and crying over the story for the sake of the story and less time crying over the story because of my own issues.

I did, however, find myself finding quite a lot of similarities between Swank's character and myself - at least her emotional ride through the film. The odd thing is, she was grieving the death of her husband. But what am I grieving over?

Ladies, enjoy the pic of Gerard. I know I do. :o)

What is Love?

OK, before you starting bobbing your head like a Butabi brother at the Roxbury, let me dig into what's going on in my head... (don't worry, it's not that deep!)

The last few days have been interesting. This self-imposed withdrawal from my usual activities (and the less usual ones that frequently pop up) has left me with a lot more quiet in which to think over things. And while I've still had some woe-is-me moments, my angst over - oh, heck, over nearly everything - has slackened dramatically.

I guess I could liken it to a fast. For me, when fasting food, the gnawing of hunger reminds me to pray, be more mindful of God, be thankful for many things (not the least of which is the blessing of being able to eat whenever I am hungry). In this solitude I am starting to pursue (I say starting because I've yet to be very purposeful with my time), whenever I think of communicating in my usual way - emails, calls, facebook updates - the reminder of my current status that immediately follows serves to help me think more about what I am doing and why it's needed.

I won't go over everything I've been thinking (quite frankly, I can't remember it all), but two things seem very important now. One is a goal, the other a question I need to answer - both very worth pursuing.

My goal: that 2009 be my personal Year of Jubilee. There are many things in my life I want "fixed", but of all the things I desire for myself, freedom is the most important. I want to either throw off the shackles of unworthiness, fear, despair, bitterness... or be significantly closer to having filed through them. I think a key (no pun intended) line of thought for this is . . .

My question: what is love? I don't think I know what it is, what it looks like, how to show it/receive it in a healthy way. I'm not sure yet how to find my answer, but I have the benefit of knowing God is the source. I realize answering this question is a life-long pursuit - I guess you could say I am also answering the question, "Who is God?" - yet I think there is a sort of line that needs crossed between total confusion (where I am now) and operational clarity (where I can be with the people I care about and be focused on them).

As always, if you have anything you want to share with me, have at it. It's most welcome.

Poured Out Like Water

I know the title is a little long, but I've started another blog to complement this one.

Everlasting Splendors is not going away, but it has been a sort of grab bag of posts regarding thoughts, feelings and random things. It's a journal of sorts, but not terribly focused (beyond being focused on me).

Poured Out Like Water will be very simple. Personal psalms and prayers, plus any praises or counted blessings. If I stumble on something particularly poignant to me in my journey, I will post it. Otherwise, POLW is meant soley as a chronicle of my interaction with God. I invite you into that interaction - comments and feedback are always welcome - but my purpose not about getting attention as much as hoping to connect. Myself with God, myself with you, and - if at all possible - you with God.

Moving from Loneliness to Solitude

Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

- May Sarton

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by any affection. Keep your solitude. The day, if it ever comes, when you are given true affection there will be no opposition between interior solitude and friendship, quite the reverse. It is even by this infallible sign that you will recognize it.

- Simone Weil

It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers. The more solitary I am the more affection I have for them…. Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not for what they say.

- Thomas Merton

Solitude is something you choose. Loneliness is imposed on you by others . . . . We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. Some solitude is essential; It gives us time to explore and know ourselves. It is the necessary counterpoint to intimacy, what allows us to have a self worthy of sharing. Solitude gives us a chance to regain perspective. It renews us for the challenges of life.

- Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today

Not much to say right now. At first, I dreaded my decision to withdraw and worried about being disconnected. Certainly not being able to check my phone and find a couple of text messages through facebook feels weird. There was a sort of digital silence that descended immediately when I deactivated my fb account. Now that I've adjusted back to pre-fb life, however, I find it more welcome than I expected.

My announcement - made only on here and to those individuals I already had plans with - has met with some consternation and a lot of doubt on the wisdom of my actions. As over 24 hours have progressed in my choice, though, I have moved from a vague urging that this is the right thing to do right now to a more concrete purpose. In thinking it over on my drive to work today, I concluded the best term for my action is "embracing solitude".

I can't afford to take a retreat right now, and I don't have the luxury of locking myself in a room somewhere, so this is my next best solution. There is the temptation to squander the extra time I'll have, both in business and laziness, and also the impulse to try to fix everything at once. My first priority, though, is to pray. And then to study. Whatever that leads to is fine. I'd like to hope it will provide some direction or, at the least, some new foundational understanding of myself. But que sera, sera - and that will be good enough. Perhaps even great.

One Step

I'm afraid I've alarmed some good friends recently with my behavior. Not to say that it was an unfounded fear - I've had some pretty dark moments in the last couple of months - but I do feel bad that I've caused so much concern.

I keep coming back around to the same things, but every spiral that moves towards happiness then arcs back around to despair gets smaller and I sink lower. In thinking over my "issues", my felt needs and my behavior, I came to the conclusion last night that the most healthy thing for me to do is to purposefully withdraw. I use the word purposefully here because one of my trademark moves when wrestling my moods is to step back; however, it is more reactionary than "proactionary". So I am resigning from serving on the board (and in general) for Food For Thought, temporarily dropping out of church (not that I was there much anyway) and agape meal, and stepping back for a while on my "hanging out" activities. (Hmmm... may be able to save some money now, too...) I've also deactivated my facebook account.

Conventional wisdom would say withdrawing is an unhealthy choice, but I think conventional is out the window right now. I know my friends love me. I know, to some extent, I serve a kind of purpose in my roles and relationships. I know most people will not understand my choice and some will feel I am rejecting them, which I do regret. But part of this is stopping my habit of doing what I think others feel I should do, and do what I think is right. So, I'm truly sorry if you're upset with me, but I believe I'm doing both of us a favor.

The most painful thing about temporarily withdrawing from my relationships is not knowing what's going on in others' lives (not being plugged in via facebook has already frustrated me). Hard to be there for people when they need you if you don't know they need you. But then, nobody really needs me. There is nothing I can say or do that someone else can't say or do as well - or better. The vast majority of my friends are friends with each other and, being that they're all amazing people, they will take care of each other well. That gives me some peace.

I will start counseling soon. The person comes highly recommended. I wish I could say I was looking forward to what this means - that I am pleasantly anticipating getting better - but I am honestly dreading the process. I cannot, in good conscience, "do away with myself"; therefore, this is what I must do to cease being the basket case I am fast becoming and move towards being a mentally healthy, mature, reliable, and - hoping against hope here - godly woman. And to learn to love without attaching strings. Yes, especially that last one: cease being a puppet of my own feelings and trying to make others puppets to my moods as well. God, I know how it feels to be subject to another person's moods - didn't I exist for 11 years being the target of someone else's temper tantrums?

Hence me taking a "relational hiatus" right now: I realize I have become (or am becoming - it would be nice to think I'm not that far gone yet) the type of person who manipulates others with her emotions. I sincerely want to cease my attempts to skew every relationship, every situation, every conversation, every moment in my direction. I know I am not the center of the universe: now I will learn to behave in that knowledge.

At some point, perhaps sooner than even I expect, that may mean entering back into the community I have called mine (and have tried too hard to make into my own idea of community based on what I want and need) for the last three+ years and trying my hand at serving the people I love very much. But right now there needs to be some break between where I've been and where I want to go. I cannot think of any other way to turn myself around than to remove my addiction to getting attention from other people.