One Step

I'm afraid I've alarmed some good friends recently with my behavior. Not to say that it was an unfounded fear - I've had some pretty dark moments in the last couple of months - but I do feel bad that I've caused so much concern.

I keep coming back around to the same things, but every spiral that moves towards happiness then arcs back around to despair gets smaller and I sink lower. In thinking over my "issues", my felt needs and my behavior, I came to the conclusion last night that the most healthy thing for me to do is to purposefully withdraw. I use the word purposefully here because one of my trademark moves when wrestling my moods is to step back; however, it is more reactionary than "proactionary". So I am resigning from serving on the board (and in general) for Food For Thought, temporarily dropping out of church (not that I was there much anyway) and agape meal, and stepping back for a while on my "hanging out" activities. (Hmmm... may be able to save some money now, too...) I've also deactivated my facebook account.

Conventional wisdom would say withdrawing is an unhealthy choice, but I think conventional is out the window right now. I know my friends love me. I know, to some extent, I serve a kind of purpose in my roles and relationships. I know most people will not understand my choice and some will feel I am rejecting them, which I do regret. But part of this is stopping my habit of doing what I think others feel I should do, and do what I think is right. So, I'm truly sorry if you're upset with me, but I believe I'm doing both of us a favor.

The most painful thing about temporarily withdrawing from my relationships is not knowing what's going on in others' lives (not being plugged in via facebook has already frustrated me). Hard to be there for people when they need you if you don't know they need you. But then, nobody really needs me. There is nothing I can say or do that someone else can't say or do as well - or better. The vast majority of my friends are friends with each other and, being that they're all amazing people, they will take care of each other well. That gives me some peace.

I will start counseling soon. The person comes highly recommended. I wish I could say I was looking forward to what this means - that I am pleasantly anticipating getting better - but I am honestly dreading the process. I cannot, in good conscience, "do away with myself"; therefore, this is what I must do to cease being the basket case I am fast becoming and move towards being a mentally healthy, mature, reliable, and - hoping against hope here - godly woman. And to learn to love without attaching strings. Yes, especially that last one: cease being a puppet of my own feelings and trying to make others puppets to my moods as well. God, I know how it feels to be subject to another person's moods - didn't I exist for 11 years being the target of someone else's temper tantrums?

Hence me taking a "relational hiatus" right now: I realize I have become (or am becoming - it would be nice to think I'm not that far gone yet) the type of person who manipulates others with her emotions. I sincerely want to cease my attempts to skew every relationship, every situation, every conversation, every moment in my direction. I know I am not the center of the universe: now I will learn to behave in that knowledge.

At some point, perhaps sooner than even I expect, that may mean entering back into the community I have called mine (and have tried too hard to make into my own idea of community based on what I want and need) for the last three+ years and trying my hand at serving the people I love very much. But right now there needs to be some break between where I've been and where I want to go. I cannot think of any other way to turn myself around than to remove my addiction to getting attention from other people.