Thoughts

This is what I've been thinking about between yesterday and today.

You know what? Never mind. Because I'm going to get one or two responses that tell me I shouldn't feel that way, that will tell me I'm special or try to reason with me. But it's all bunk. Seriously.

I don't doubt you are smarter than I am, but I can't imagine you have anything new to say that I haven't used before to cheer myself up. The arguments are stale and flat. There's no life to them. Most likely because they're not true.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of subscribing to the fallacy that each of us is unique, that we all contribute something special. No offense to you. You are all amazing people. But not everyone is. The fact is, anyone could do what I do. And probably better. So let me make room for them.

Oh, wait. You want to use the line of reasoning that I do think I'm special because I'm trying to say that everyone else is except for me. Well, no. Not really. I think there are some other folks out there just as expendable as me. There are over 6 billion people on the planet, with thousands dying needlessly everyday. You want to tell me how great and loving God is when some people don't ever have a chance to live? And then He makes people like me who have no end of the necessities of life, but can't seem to rise above and actually do something with themselves. I think that either He doesn't listen to me anymore or He never did in the first place.

No, I'm so done with clinging to a hope that's disappointed me over and over again.

I don't doubt you. I know you care. I appreciate that you came to my birthday dinner. And for those that couldn't be there but have invested so much into me, thanks. I'm sorry it's been a waste.

I don't want calls or emails. I know it seems that posting this is a call for attention. Yeah, I know I'm a whore in that regard. But this time, I just want to dump. I don't want sympathy or hugs or anything else. I want to be left alone.

I will do what I need to do. I'll keep going through the motions. But I'm tired of making excuses for myself. For God. For other people. It's all a big waste. At least on my part.