Borderline Heretic?

These past couple weeks were very difficult for me, especially emotionally. I've been involved in a women's study on the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge, and it's brought up a lot of issues for me. Like I really need help being hyper-sensitive in the "am I worthy/beautiful" department. So all those undercurrents are moving, then add to that the stuff going on at church, then add to that the "shock" I received last Monday night... up and down, up and down. I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't saturated with God's grace right now.

Let me focus on the feelings the book drags up repeatedly. Most of them aren't new - in fact, a good deal of them are thoughts I try to get rid of, which I realize is the point of the book. It's just so... so freaking frustrating for me that I'm not jumping ahead to the "fix-it" chapters, because you know they're there. Just about all contemporary Christian non-fiction is focused on the "fix-it" aspect. Not that it's worked on me yet!

So these thoughts and feelings - mainly negative and mainly directed towards me - are swirling around. Here's what I found myself writing out Saturday, which led to a good cry and a looong nap.

"I have spent my whole life waiting for someone to come along who wants to know me, who would say, 'Amanda, you're worth pursuing. You're worth me making you a priority in my life. You're worth knowing completey, even the fears and thoughts that haunt you and why they're there. You're worth me spending myself to love you and do everything you're willing to let me do to heal you.'

"This is what Christ has offered to me. This is what He's already done for me to prove His love. This is what He is saying to me everyday.

"So why do I still want someone else to say these things? Is Christ not enough? That aching void He created in me to draw me to Him - no one has filled it. No one's even come close. And to be starkly honest, I don't believe anyone has ever wanted to. My parents failed me, my friends failed me, my mentors and teachers failed me. I am still bereft."

I suppose this is where God wants me to be - knowing that I must always turn to Him for what I cannot receive anywhere else. Why do I struggle so much with allowing myself to be completely dependant on God, yet I annoy the crap out of people with my neediness? How I envy all of you who don't give a rat's patootie about whether or not people care about you! What is your secret? Why did God leave that ingredient out when he made me - that ability to not need anyone else to validate my worth? *sigh*

OK, so about now the Reason Police are pounding on the door, trying to break up the Pity Party I'm having with myself. But that's a whole 'nother blog.