At Tana's behest, I am updating my blog, though I should probably do it when in a better mood.
Here are the facts: I am still reading everyday (well, for the most part - I missed both days this weekend), and spending time in prayer every morning and nearly every night. Prayer, though, is not as consistently awesome as it was in the beginning; however, I knew to expect this. The thing is remembering to be sincere without worrying about how I feel. I pray to live Shema and to learn to love G-d for who He is, rather than just for what He does. I want this very much. This is key to all my relationships.
Early on in my "resurgence of faith", I received a big chunk of unexpected blessing in the form of getting to the point in prayer where I thanked G-d for making me me. That hasn't changed, but...
In all honesty, the depression is still there. There is so much that wants to spill out of me, but - and I mean this as no condemnation to my friends - I don't thing anyone is equipped to receive it. I try to think through things; reason and emotion are constantly arguing in me. I wonder - is there a difference between self-examination and self-analysis? Because what I do (constantly berating myself and finding fault) brings despair and depression, but I have a feeling that what G-d calls us to is supposed to bring healing and hope. So... How do they differ? How can I obey G-d and examine my heart without falling prey to the habits of self-analysis I already have?
Part of my problem is I think I already know all the answers to my issues. And none of them are good enough, of course, because none of them are what I want to hear. Why is it that the truth about your pain just makes the pain worse? "Ah, yes, you know, the reason you struggle with issue A is because you're too B. You need to stop being so B." Salt, meet open wound. More burden; more despair. This doesn't seem like the way of a gracious G-d, but why does it sound so much like the truth? It's the brick wall I keep banging my head against.
I was going to ask you if you ever felt handicapped, but there's a more descriptive word for me. Do you, reader, ever feel subhuman? I daydream all the time of doing something amazing; for just a little while making everyone I care about realize I'm more than they thought I was, rather than always feeling like less than everyone else. Even today, being with my friends, I felt... inept, clumsy, dull, afraid. I feel the constant need to prove myself. What a burden - not just on me, but on my relationships. All I want is to make other people happy; instead, I create environments where I only think about myself. I'm so sorry.
Are you sick of this? I am. I apologize if I've brought you down. Um, go blame Tana. Seriously, though, I will leave you with this: No matter how dark things get for me, I still believe G-d is always good. I love Him. I know He loves me. And I know some of you love me, too. No matter how difficult I make it for you. ;)
3 comments:
You know, Amanda...I know that about you - that you always feel the need to prove yourself, etc. ... but, I also haven't seen it as much in you lately. I didn't even notice it today, whereas in the past it was fairly obvious. So...I hope that encourages you that it is getting better.
And, you've been a true joy! I've really enjoyed watching your growth. I'm sorry to hear the depression is still there, and I will be praying about what role, if any, I can play in helping alleviate that burden. But...I've just seen so much growth in you, it's amazing. Even if you're not fully feeling it, you seem much more comfortable "in your own skin" and you come across with confidence.
I will definitely be praying that either one of us in our group of friends "gets there" so we can walk with you in your depression, or that God will bring someone into your life who can help you. B/c I know how it feels to feel lonely, and that no one can understand or share your burden. It's an awful feeling. I don't care what way it's solved, but I will just pray for A WAY.
I hope all of this came across correctly, as it is way too late and I'm probably not thinking or typing coherently. So, to sum up: I love you, you're a wonderful friend, a thoughtful and talented person, and a beautiful child of G-d.
I did a very brief stint in therapy several years ago and got one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received: if there's a lot you want to change, do one thing at a time. I had spent a few years trying to fix everything all at once. I failed and felt like shit each time, and that cycle continued for a long time. A stable job became the focus--not find a good paying job and take full time classes and go to the gym to lose weight blah blah blah. Nearly a year later it was school--which didn't always go as planned. I ended up completely dropping out one quarter because work got crazy and I got too far behind. When I got this promotion I was resigned to taking two classes per quarter--setting me back at least a year. I wanted to do a second degree and had to accept the fact that it wasn't a good idea, and that the one I was getting was good enough alone. I got through it by not feeling bad about my weight or worrying that I wasn't visiting my elderly grandmother (or my mother) enough or dealing with the constant barrage of "What the hell are you going to do with that degree??"
Other things that helped were learning to let go of unhealthy relationships, distinguishing between "I am the problem" and "that person has a problem with me," and most importantly, learning to say NO--to everyone when necessary. I need time to myself--a lot of it some weeks--and if friends/family have a problem with that they'll have to deal with it on their own. If I found people nagging I put it back on them to fix. "We don't see you enough" meant "come to Assland." I said, "Ok, come down here."
I'm obviously directionless and mentally unstable, but feeling like I had control over stuff gave me a boost over depression. Just my two cents. If you need to chat you know where to find me (at Citibank asleep at my desk!).
-B-
First I must say that you are AMAZING! I see God working in you, even if you don't. It's ok if you don't, sometimes we are just too close to get a clear picture. I am sad that you are sad, and will pray for you that God will give you His eyes to see what He is doing in and through you - sometimes all we need is a glimps through the eyes of those around us to clear the view.
Don't beat yourself up - it bruises the fruit! I love you and I am here. You're one of my favorite people and you have touched my life.
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