It's been just over 2 weeks since the fire. All this time, with some exceptions, I have been able to just do the trusting God thing. I have talked about that "peace that passes all understanding, guarding my heart and my mind." Until this weekend, especially Sunday and Monday. I haven't really had a good cry even yet, but there's more anger than before and the tears come easier and faster than before.
So where's that peace now? I'm back in a good mood today, but moods are moods. I'm mature enough to realize that. What happens when I'm struck again with remembering something I lost and can't get back, not like it was before? When the anger and tears bubble up and I'm tired of putting on a happy face? Does God's peace disappear? Was it there to begin with, or was I just shell-shocked and reality's setting in now? And if that is true and I didn't have His peace, where does that leave me - deluded about God or deluded about my relationship with Him?
Good questions or semantics? Hmmm...
But this is what I am left with: analyzing my feelings. Trying to probe beyond moods, but still trapped within myself. So let's move beyond me to the facts.
Fact #1: My aunt is alive, even though she was asleep when the fire started, even though she can be a heavy sleeper. She still heard the pounding on the door and the people yelling, though her room is at the other end of the condo and her door was closed, and she ignored her instincts to ignore it (which usually would have been right, a good clue as to what kind of place we were living in). She got up, against her desire to roll over (again!) and go back to sleep to check out what was going on.
Fact #2: I am alive. This does not seem to be as big a deal, since I'm usually all over the place on Monday nights (and Tuesday nights, and Wednesday nights, and....). But it's still a fact.
Fact #3: No one else was killed. Someone was treated for serious burns (the guy in whose unit the fire started) and some pets were lost, but for a fire that destroyed 16 units and cost $2 million in damage, it is amazing no one lost their lives.
Fact #4: Our most precious possessions, the family photo albums, were salvaged. This is big for me, and while I miss many other things that are definitely gone, absolutely nothing could replace those pictures. I snuck up the burnt and crumbling stairs this last Saturday to see the condo for myself. I saw the desk these photos were stored in. This is really is a big deal.
Fact #5: People are so amazing. I could never have expected the response from so many people, especially so many I don't know. The immediate outpouring from the community towards the victims and the generosity of all kinds of folks from all kinds of places (friends, family, and 2nd-hand and 3rd-hand parties) just toward Lou and myself is astounding. And it's still coming in (and it is still hugely needed - shameless plug!).
Fact #6: Past experience. There is a certainty at all times, beyond moods and feelings, that lies underneath. A foundational, personal knowledge of God's goodness. I would be the most horrible liar if I were to deny everything else I've been through to say I can't trust God to see me blessed at the "end" of all this. This is way past being "Oh, everything'll turn out in the end." I'm not going to share my life story here, but I have seen His providence proved too many times to play dumb. This certainty is a quiet voice that nags, if you will, whenever I doubt. It always brings me back around. Always.
Of course, fact #6 brings us back to me. (It's always about me, didn't you know that? ;) ) But unless you have that same rock-solid underlying knowledge, I guess you can't understand it. I just know it as a fact, not an opinion.
I may be missing something here. Philosophical argument, while fascinating to me, is not exactly my forte. So feel free to contribute your 2 cents.
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