Tracks

I am sitting in front of the train tracks in my car, thinking of all that's happened in the last week. I am on my way back to my dad's house from Don and Tana's, which has been a relieving distraction. It's after 12:30 am Saturday morning, and I am tired - mentally and emotionally drained - and a little resentful of this train that is keeping me from a much-needed appointment with bed and sleep.

Staring at the tracks, the wheels seem to go by in a patterned blur. Thankfully, the train is going by very fast, and I look up at the train itself to see the individual cars speeding past. Except that when I look from the track to the train, the train doesn't seem to be moving as quickly. The cars differ enough from each other that my eyes follow them better. My focus has shifted.

It is late, and I am in a contemplative mood. So I begin to wonder about the metaphor I am witnessing here, letting my eyes shift from train to track, track to train, slow to fast, fast to slow. I think about this week, and my own radical shift in focus. I think about all the plans I had before the fire, and how they have all changed.

I look again at the track, and I think of how I had seen my life laid out with all my desires for the future and my plans to make them come true. I see the wheels as my daily routine, my comfortable, familiar routine of actions and behaviors that kept me speeding along.

Then I move my eyes and switch my focus. I see the cars carrying the full weight of my daily routine. I see them one by one, passing slower yet somehow at the same speed. I am able to count them. I can see the different colors, the shapes, the graffiti, even the empty trailers. I notice each car for itself, wondering at its purpose.

My life feels like it has been derailed now. I have no routine. My plans have changed. There is no pattern. I have been forced to refocus, to live moment-by-moment and wonder at its purpose, noticing things I could never see before and caring about things that seemed mundane or irrelevant before.

All my plans have burned away, and I am becoming thankful for each day as it happens.