I wonder if there is a point to me writing a blog. I have a journal, after all. So for what purpose does this blog exist?
I have nothing profound to share. I'm constantly surrounded by people who are much more intelligent and skillful at expressing themselves than I am. But there I go, comparing myself again.
So, I'm still left with this question, and it has only one answer: I'm here for me. I'm here to get attention. I'm here to see if anyone cares what I have to say, even if it's not as eloquent as what they could write.
Yes, I realize how pitiful and selfish I am. But I'm tired of beating myself up for that. I do it all the time, I really do. The sad thing is I had someone compliment me today, and I was too embarrassed to receive it well, probably because I was fishing for it, though I just now realize that. And when you have to ask someone to care about what you do, their feedback, no matter how sincere, loses some of its power.
Of course, I'm back to the whole "looking outside myself for validation" thing. Or, if you prefer, idolatry.
I've also had the thought, why are we so uncomfortable with vulnerability? The only person I cry in front of (and that is rare) is my aunt (please disregard the tears when I'm reading or watching TV or a movie). For crying out loud, I see a counselor, and I never fully open up! And yet I write things on a public forum, trying to be transparent, asking for people to see me for who I really am.
I feel needy as I write this, like I'm asking too much. Am I? You who read this, should I bother? Is it worth your time to read my thoughts? Do you understand what I want, and also that I am scared to receive it?
Because I want honesty. I want your vulnerability, too. I want to be known, and I want to know you. And I want to know... do you want me to know you? Or have you decided that I can't be trusted or that I wouldn't understand?
Am I valuable enough for real communication?
2 comments:
I understand your feelings in your post! It is hard to be vulnerable any time, but esp on the internet where you're sharing your deep thoughts with strangers. Kudos to you for being brave and honest.
For what it's worth, I've always enjoyed reading your blog. I've been a bad blog friend lately though, I've been so busy that I haven't done much blogging (either on my own blog or catching up on others' blogs I used to read). I happened to catch this one on my feedblitz feeds (I skim the feeds...sometimes when I can) and I'm glad I caught it!
I hope you keep blogging. You have something worth saying!
I must say Hello, yes I'm out here and I love reading your bloggings. I am challenged by your thought processes and wonder why my brain doesnt work that way, but it just doesnt so I have to deal with that. Vulnerability is something that is very difficult, I find that I am still at a place of guarding when I need to take a leap of faith and trust that what and who I am will be ok. And know that it will be ok even if the reaction isnt, it doesnt change who I am.
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