OK, let's get something straight: It's not just "stuff" I lost in the fire. And I'm not referring to any personal, sentimental attachment to inanimate objects like teddy bears and creative writing and dog-eared books.
I lost quite a few plans and dreams. I just turned 30, and I had finally developed a sense of myself. I finally had some 5-year plans. I finally came to grips with the real possibility I will be single for the rest of my life and I needed to live it, not keep it on hold. I wanted to get out of debt, get my own house, get my education. I finally had confidence that I could do it. I finally had a life - things to do, friends to hang out with, goals to reach.
My life has been hi-jacked. Everything's on hold, or simply gone. The money I had just received (and it wasn't that much, so don't get excited), the money I was going to use to invest in a part-time business, get that software I needed to do the freelance projects people are asking me to do, that I was going to set aside for future college expenses, that I would finally have as a "cushion" or that emergency fund all those money experts recommend - all that is now going to be sucked into this black hole that used to be my life. To try to fix it. And it still won't be enough.
So I'm now in this constant struggle. Temper-tantrums and mourning for myself - my plans, my stuff, my life - versus the sacrifice and humility I know I'm called to. I want to be that uber-spiritual person who constantly walks in the recognition that all I considered mine was a gift from God, that this is actually a wonderful opportunity at a fresh start. And sometimes I do feel A-OK about it. But not most of the time.
Pray for me. Pray that I make the most of this time - not by playing off people's sympathies, but by seizing the attitude that the God I serve is bigger than this and, in fact, this may be just the chance I've been asking for to lose my materialism and selfishness. Because I'm not doing too well with that right now.
3 comments:
Awwww. I'm so sorry. I can't possibly imagine what you're going through.
I'm sorry if I ever referred to just "stuff." I don't mean to make light of your situation AT ALL. I hope it never comes across that way.
Anything you need, friend. I'm here.
No, babe. You've never done that. And to be honest, that was my first reaction - I'm just glad we're OK, we're alive, no injuries, etc. - before reality set in and I realized all that was gone. So I'm not blaming anybody for saying that, and you don't realize the extent of the loss unless you're going through it yourself. It's just one of those things.
And I could really use that hair dryer from 1875. ;)
Oh my goodness. I had no idea about this. You definitely win for upheaval story of the year. (((hugs))) I will keep you in my prayers. Have you gotten all your immediate needs taken care of? Is there anything you need? We don't have any money (as you already know) but we have clothes, blankets, etc...
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